Santa's Slay
Caught the end of this on Spike today whilst a-writin' some goddamned tech docs. This film was more amusing than I thought it would be, that is to say it was not devoid of amusement. Bill Goldberg plays Santa, who's secretly a daemon that lost a bet w\ an angel ages ago. Then some shit goes wrong & Santa goes on a killing spree. The script beats out most of the Sci-Fi Original B-films they show on that channel. Not in terms of creativity or plot or shit like that, but in terms of enjoyability. The dudes that were writing this shit seemed to have no delusions about the calibre of movie this would be. It appears that they at least'd fun writing it, though. & Goldberg is just fucking hilarious in some scenes. He must've'd a blast doing this flick.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Finally saw it in its entire glory. I haven't had this much fun watching a horror flick since Jason X and this may surpass it in terms of black comedic gold.
Synopsis:
There were actually two immaculate conceptions, one for Jesus and one for the son of Satan, Santa, who looks mysteriously like Bill Goldberg. An angel tricks him into delivering presents for a thousand years after he loses a bet. The millennium is up and Santa is pissed.
Review:
Best Christmas movie since Bad Santa. If you're in an over-the-top sort of mood, it's probably better. Goldberg immediately gets on your good side by dispatching Chris Kataan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart in festive, Christmasy ways from eggnog drownings to a Christmas tree star doing a shuriken impression. One of the best prologue scenes ever. He also kills James Caan (uncredited) but given he's offed Jimmy Fallon's clone and the nanny, you chalk it up as a wash. It's the beginning of what are many hilarious moments.
Santa's sleigh is pulled by a "hell-deer" which looks a lot like a bison. It gets better as the writer tosses in every weird, quirky idea he can think of from Santa fucking up a strip club to Santa trying to run dudes down in a Zamboni machine. Everything you hold sacred about the holidays is used as a weapon to kill someone -- menorahs are jabbed into people, turkey legs are somehow deadly, presents explode in children's faces, Santa has smoke grenades that look like Christmas tree ornaments, etc.
Awesome moments:
- Santa's bison runs down an old, crotchety lady swerving on the road because she was trying to light her cigarette while driving.
- Santa is about to rip the pole out in the strip club and whack someone with it, but after glancing at the hooker that just slid down, he breaks out a spray bottle and cloth rag to wipe it down first.
- Santa plays curling with an old man. As in "uses the old man as the rock."
- Santa fucks up a cop station, including Lt. Dick Zucker.
- Santa fucks up a nativity scene and plays polo with the head of one of the wise men.
- Santa boots a yip dog into the fireplace on a bankshot.
- In a parody of the NORAD Santa tracker, the survivor dude logs onto the GONAD Santa tracker website.
Verdict:
Check it out. It's fucking hilarious.
Here's the writer's credits. I find it funny he's got 3 credits as Brett Ratner's assistant and it only took him one film to make a more entertaining movie than anything Brett's ever touched.
Synopsis:
There were actually two immaculate conceptions, one for Jesus and one for the son of Satan, Santa, who looks mysteriously like Bill Goldberg. An angel tricks him into delivering presents for a thousand years after he loses a bet. The millennium is up and Santa is pissed.
Review:
Best Christmas movie since Bad Santa. If you're in an over-the-top sort of mood, it's probably better. Goldberg immediately gets on your good side by dispatching Chris Kataan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart in festive, Christmasy ways from eggnog drownings to a Christmas tree star doing a shuriken impression. One of the best prologue scenes ever. He also kills James Caan (uncredited) but given he's offed Jimmy Fallon's clone and the nanny, you chalk it up as a wash. It's the beginning of what are many hilarious moments.
Santa's sleigh is pulled by a "hell-deer" which looks a lot like a bison. It gets better as the writer tosses in every weird, quirky idea he can think of from Santa fucking up a strip club to Santa trying to run dudes down in a Zamboni machine. Everything you hold sacred about the holidays is used as a weapon to kill someone -- menorahs are jabbed into people, turkey legs are somehow deadly, presents explode in children's faces, Santa has smoke grenades that look like Christmas tree ornaments, etc.
Awesome moments:
- Santa's bison runs down an old, crotchety lady swerving on the road because she was trying to light her cigarette while driving.
- Santa is about to rip the pole out in the strip club and whack someone with it, but after glancing at the hooker that just slid down, he breaks out a spray bottle and cloth rag to wipe it down first.
- Santa plays curling with an old man. As in "uses the old man as the rock."
- Santa fucks up a cop station, including Lt. Dick Zucker.
- Santa fucks up a nativity scene and plays polo with the head of one of the wise men.
- Santa boots a yip dog into the fireplace on a bankshot.
- In a parody of the NORAD Santa tracker, the survivor dude logs onto the GONAD Santa tracker website.
Verdict:
Check it out. It's fucking hilarious.
Here's the writer's credits. I find it funny he's got 3 credits as Brett Ratner's assistant and it only took him one film to make a more entertaining movie than anything Brett's ever touched.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."