My mother-in-law - The art of learning to not give a fuck.

[Malcolm]

It's been higher? Goddamn. This is hard evidence of mental illness and incompetence. Another calendar year would be a miracle. Dare I even ask her blood pressure?

[GORDON]

I don't have a sphigmomagmometmomom........

Blood pressure cuff.

[Malcolm]

It has to be through the fucking roof.

[TheCatt]

I don't have a sphigmomagmometmomom........

Blood pressure cuff.

Most drug stores have them.

[Malcolm]

Ask the doc for some standard biometric measurements, specifically blood pressure, vision, and tactile sensation in her fingers. If the respective answers are:

(i) in orbit
(ii) blurry
(iii) numb

... then you're 3 for 3 on early warning signs and I'd recommend having her kidneys checked out, if nothing else to get one last glimpse of them before they shut down. Excessive thirst is also a bad indicator, as is sudden weight loss.

[Alhazad]

Me: I saw your blood sugar was 369 last night.
MIL: yeah, whatever I told her. I don't remember.
Me: with blood sugar that high you have about a couple months to live. This will be your last christmas.
MIL: *looks at me in shock* No it wont, it has been higher than that before.
Me: When?
MIL: Before.
Me: It has been high the last 3 days when we made you start checking again.
MIL: No it hasn't last night was the first time.
Me: *deep breath* I am not trying to make you angry, I am just telling you facts. A human can not survive long with blood sugar this high. I just want you to know the consequences for sneaking all the cookies and ice cream.
MIL: Well my doctor says it is ok if i have ice cream every once in a while.

*long pause*

Me: You've been warned. Do what you want.
MIL: I will.

If you still care whether she lives or dies, you might want to sneak off to 'go to the bathroom' during her next doctor's appointment, then stand outside the door and buttonhole the new guy. Tell him what a selective memory she has and ask him not to consider her a reasonable person; to say, repeatedly, in no uncertain terms, that she can no longer have sweets at all.

Not that I think it'd work -- she'll probably just cherry-pick the instructions from the old doctor -- but maybe if he repeats it long and loud enough....

[Malcolm]

By the way, I don't know if she's testing before or after she eats. If it's 360-something before, it's a safe bet it goes above 400 after. We'll just assume she's been in shit health since (at best) two weeks after you stopped hounding her, meaning she's got ... I lost track, how many months of uncut sugar going against her presently? Her behaviour could very easily be interpreted as suicidal.

[GORDON]

Ask the doc for some standard biometric measurements, specifically blood pressure, vision, and tactile sensation in her fingers. If the respective answers are:

(i) in orbit
(ii) blurry
(iii) numb

... then you're 3 for 3 on early warning signs and I'd recommend having her kidneys checked out, if nothing else to get one last glimpse of them before they shut down. Excessive thirst is also a bad indicator, as is sudden weight loss.

She was in really good shape the first year she was here, the doctor was impressed with all her numbers and even stepped down her insulin a bit. But then my MIL went off the program, realized she could tell me "no," and now all the little places she goes to sneak ice cream... like a junkie shooting up in an alley... people around town tell me all the time they see her. She will claim "she forgot" she isn't allowed to eat ice cream, even though she remembers she has to sneak it. The last few months have been really bad, especially a couple weeks ago when I realized she wasn't running out of insulin, or blood sugar test strips, even though she has been told every night to do both. She argues, says she does it, but doesn't.

Tonight was extra great. She takes the sink sprayer, there's a way to stick it in the "on" position. Every few days she will set it up so the person that turns on the water gets sprayed. She thinks it is hilarious, but says she didn't do it, or she forgot, or whatever. With all the other stress she has been causing, water all over the kitchen was icing on the cake, tonight.

After the screaming, we told her to check her sugar and take her insulin. We were in the middle of a movie so didn't babysit her. 15 minutes later, "I forgot what the number was." "Did you take your insulin?" "I forgot."

Not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. Maybe nothing. Maybe something.

[GORDON]

If you still care whether she lives or dies, you might want to sneak off to 'go to the bathroom' during her next doctor's appointment, then stand outside the door and buttonhole the new guy. Tell him what a selective memory she has and ask him not to consider her a reasonable person; to say, repeatedly, in no uncertain terms, that she can no longer have sweets at all.

I actually did that exact thing with her old doctor, I can't say things about her while she is in the room because she denies, then lies, then cries. The doctor understood perfectly. So we said those exact things, and the doctor reiterated for the 10th time NO FUCKING SWEETS, and my MIL says, "Oh, I never sneak sweets. I watch my sugar."

The doc glances at me, I shrug slightly, she nods slightly, and that's all we can do.

[Malcolm]

Start posting her daily blood sugar levels on the facebook pages of all her other relatives. But call it "number of reasons she might be dead next year." Then put "+ 1 because you don't give a fuck."

The doc glances at me, I shrug slightly, she nods slightly, and that's all we can do.

Oh, there's way more. You live in a tiny-ass town with limited shopping options, correct? If your wife gives a fuck about her mother living or dying, she may wish to pass around headshots with a note indicating that under NO circumstances or bullshit excuse is anyone to sell sugary items to her. If, on the flip side, neither you nor your wife nor the old crazy addict care about her continued breathing, I'll say that acute opiate overdose is 100x more pleasant a way to die than the many and varied slow, shitty, quite painful effects of diabetically-induced vascular constriction.

[Alhazad]

She was in really good shape the first year she was here, the doctor was impressed with all her numbers and even stepped down her insulin a bit. But then my MIL went off the program, realized she could tell me "no," and now all the little places she goes to sneak ice cream... like a junkie shooting up in an alley... people around town tell me all the time they see her. She will claim "she forgot" she isn't allowed to eat ice cream, even though she remembers she has to sneak it. The last few months have been really bad, especially a couple weeks ago when I realized she wasn't running out of insulin, or blood sugar test strips, even though she has been told every night to do both. She argues, says she does it, but doesn't.

Tonight was extra great. She takes the sink sprayer, there's a way to stick it in the "on" position. Every few days she will set it up so the person that turns on the water gets sprayed. She thinks it is hilarious, but says she didn't do it, or she forgot, or whatever. With all the other stress she has been causing, water all over the kitchen was icing on the cake, tonight.

After the screaming, we told her to check her sugar and take her insulin. We were in the middle of a movie so didn't babysit her. 15 minutes later, "I forgot what the number was." "Did you take your insulin?" "I forgot."

Not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. Maybe nothing. Maybe something.

Oh, we prankin' now?

1) Onion powder/white pepper in her vanilla ice cream. Curry powder or turmeric if it's yellow-colored French vanilla.
2) Get a box of cheap doughnuts, eat/discard a few, and cover the rest in flour, then 'accidentally' leave the leftover powdered-sugar-looking doughnuts where she can find them.
3) Leave out a slice of cake with 'icing' made of cauliflower puree. Make it a spice or carrot cake so the cauliflower smell is covered up. (Put nice cream cheese icing on the rest and share it with your family.)

[GORDON]

She started packing her shit last night like she is going to leave, but I am guessing today she will forget why. She has no place to go, none of her family wants her. They've also all been told that is she leaves my house, we are never going to see her again.... no helping out, no doctor trips, no holidays.

She has no idea how good she has it here. She really could use a reality check, but I don't know how to give it to her.

Are y'all enjoying the soap opera?

[Malcolm]

She really could use a reality check, but I don't know how to give it to her.

Hallucinogens do a decent job, but unless your psyche's in order you tend to trip badly. I don't think you'd want to take care of her in that state, even for a few hours. X works pretty well, too, but she's nowhere near healthy enough to withstand its other effects.

Take her cat away. Take her computer away. Have her brought her before a judge and declared mentally unfit to look after herself. Tell her new doctor not to let her get away with lying and to directly call her out on her bullshit.

[TheCatt]

Can she be declared incompetent? And does that do anything?

[Malcolm]

Can she be declared incompetent? And does that do anything?

Yeah, she can. And yes it does. There are big differences that distinguish a child dependent, a competent adult dependent, and a mentally incompetent one. If G's MiL is a dick, he can't go to the insurance company and claim they need a specialized care provider for that reason. "Being a dick" isn't a recognized psychological disorder.

[GORDON]

We now have a psyche consult. Her doctor hasn't left town yet. Got to find a shrink tomorrow.

[GORDON]

We are out of town today, and she called her son crying, saying she didn't know why I was yelling at her last night. And also she is going to go to the store because she is out of ice cream.

[Alhazad]

Take her cat away. Take her computer away. Have her brought her before a judge and declared mentally unfit to look after herself. Tell her new doctor not to let her get away with lying and to directly call her out on her bullshit.

Half of the cats and all of the computers already don't belong to her and she sneaks the use of them anyway. She's a chronic thief and liar. Get rid of her cat and she'll just monopolize Will's instead. I'm curious to see how G would manage it.

[GORDON]

We're still discussing things.

I've contemplated telling her that if we end up having to put her in a nursing home because she can't control herself, I am going to have her cat put down. I wouldn't, but she would believe it.

[GORDON]

BTW she bought ice cream, a half gallon of "moose tracks" which has the extra fudge and caramel in it.