Quentin Tarrantino presents Tony Jaa as an elephant trainer who has to retrieve his stolen elephant.
No really.
Ok, don't come for the story. Just don't as it's bad. Really bad.
But to sum up: Elephants are sacred. Kings get power from elephants. A woman on a power trip wants the power of the elephant that rightfully belonged to the king, thus she steals it. Tony Jaa and his dad train the elephants. Dad dies in the robbery, Tony doesn't stop to mourn...at all...not even for 10 seconds...not even a 10 minute period where he was inconsolable. That fact becomes totally ridiculous later in the film. I'm sure you can figure out why, but this is "no spoilers". Ok, back on the story: Tony seeks elephant and Tony's baby elephant. Lots and lots of people get beat up along the way. Throw in some pointless side plots about a cop and...I don't know, there might be a chick, might not be.
Seriously, just mute your TV and watch the fights scenes.
But even those weren't anything too special. Tony is fast as hell, and he's kinda, sorta intense, but he's not the second coming of you-know-who. You-know-who brought charisma and style to his fights. They seemed epic. but more importantly, they seemed REAL. When you-know-who fought multiple people, they were all there at once. The crowd around him would sway with his moves and everyone's delay seemed logical. The fights here have none of that. You'll see a dozen guys running into a room at the same time, but only one reaches Tony at a time. The rest are apparently standing in a single file line OFF CAMERA waiting until he's done beating up whomever he's working on. And even the one on one fights are too "bullshit" to buy into.
Which reminds me, the sound effects are hilarious. You'll hear spines break due to the lightest of slaps.
There's no bad ass Chinese Connection you-know-who versus an entire dojo all at once scene here.
In fact, the main threats to Tony are the aforementioned woman and three guys who can only be classified as professional wrestlers/body builders.
Overall, this is a movie you can skip unless you're a die hard martial arts fan. Even then, you'd be hard pressed to be entertained.
Bruce Lee is still the king.
3 out of 10.
The Protector
This movie is fucking horrible. Leish was too kind in his review, I wasn't in mine. You'll notice the past tense there because the fucking board ate my post.
Tony Jaa isn't Bruce Lee anywhere except his dreams. He's not even Jackie Chan, Sonny Chiba, Chow Yun-Fat, Michelle Yeoh, or Jet Li. He's barely Cynthia Rothrock or Bruce Li. He's a little more convincing than David Carradine. The fight choreography is about as boring and bullshit as can be and has to be the absolute worst offender of this entire debacle. At most, I saw Tony taking on two dudes at once. That's impressive until you figure there must be a couple dozen guys circling him in the room, because he takes them all out one-on-one. Looks like everyone in this fictional world still decides everything with single combat, akin to ancient China or Japan ... when fucking entire battles would wait for a series of mono-a-mono fights conducted to some bullshit set of "honourable" rules. The climactic fight scene is the stupidest fucking kung fu shit I've seen outside crappy '70s B-movies, sequences so bad that Adam West himself would call them campy.
Edited By Malcolm on 1449786671
Tony Jaa isn't Bruce Lee anywhere except his dreams. He's not even Jackie Chan, Sonny Chiba, Chow Yun-Fat, Michelle Yeoh, or Jet Li. He's barely Cynthia Rothrock or Bruce Li. He's a little more convincing than David Carradine. The fight choreography is about as boring and bullshit as can be and has to be the absolute worst offender of this entire debacle. At most, I saw Tony taking on two dudes at once. That's impressive until you figure there must be a couple dozen guys circling him in the room, because he takes them all out one-on-one. Looks like everyone in this fictional world still decides everything with single combat, akin to ancient China or Japan ... when fucking entire battles would wait for a series of mono-a-mono fights conducted to some bullshit set of "honourable" rules. The climactic fight scene is the stupidest fucking kung fu shit I've seen outside crappy '70s B-movies, sequences so bad that Adam West himself would call them campy.
Edited By Malcolm on 1449786671
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
I have absolutely no recollection of this film even after reading both reviews.
“Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.” - Dr Thomas Sowell
I started watching Seeking a Friend for the End of the World the other night on Netflix, and realized I was predicting things that were about to happen. Had no memory of watching it before.Leisher wrote:I have absolutely no recollection of this film even after reading both reviews.
http://www.dtman.com/cgi-bin/ib3/ikonboard.cgi?act=ST;f=7;t=13823
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
Apparently the chick with the whip was supposed to be a transsexual, but all the dialogue surrounding that was edited out of the US version. The kicker is the actor in that role is a transsexual ballerina.
Edited By Malcolm on 1449852642
Edited By Malcolm on 1449852642
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Ye gods, it looks like 2013 saw a sequel to this movie starring RZA and Tony Jaa. It lost about $9M. Wtf? Looks like Tony Jaa took an acting break from 2010-2013 to be a Buddhist monk.
Edited By Malcolm on 1449868018
Edited By Malcolm on 1449868018
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."