Synopsis:
A director attempts to get as many down-shirt cleavage shots of Elizabeth Olsen as humanly possible while she crawls and screams through a haunted house.
Review:
Scarlet Witch, her dad, and her uncle are heading out to a cabin, conveniently out of any cell phone coverage, to prep it for fixing and selling. It is even more conveniently barricaded and fortified because of squatters and goddamned teenagers. She also runs into an old friend from her childhood she sort of does and doesn't remember.
After about half an hour, SW eventually gets left to her own devices while some unseen figure stalks her all the fuck over the house. You kind of get the feeling of watching someone on TwitchTV playing a mid 90s point-and-click horror game. This most likely continued for another three hundred fucking minutes until an editor mercifully cut it down to sixty and skipped right to the, ahem ... "twist."
Verdict:
You've experienced more terror forgetting your credit card in a restaurant.
Silent House - At 'Dem Flicks with Malcolm
After more research, it's a remake of a 2010 Uruguayan horror flick. I could also say "the" Uruguayan horror flick because I don't know of any others.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."