Page 4 of 17
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 3:44 pm
by GORDON
I have been on a Disney cruise, and that is typically younger families with kids, obviously. Some friends of mine have been on some regular Carnival cruises. They said all the old people go to the comedy club after lunch when the sun is hot, and sit there occupying every table all day, hearing the same acts over and over, not laughing at anything.
In my experience, some old people are just marking time until they die. I know my mother in law, in spite of my best efforts, didn't spend 2 hours outside all summer. It's either too hot, too windy, or there's too many bugs. She has logged a minimum of 6 hours a day on mahjong, though. She says, "Video games help make my mind faster."
At this exact moment she is over at my best friend's mothers house annoying her. She goes almost every day for multiple hours, and we know she isn't any fun to be around, so we are trying to tell her to stop bugging her every day. All hurt she says, "Oh, I didn't know I was BUGGING her. I'll ask her." This woman is so polite she wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful of it, so I need to figure out how to cut down on this. Maybe the winter cold will help.
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:09 pm
by Malcolm
I know my mother in law, in spite of my best efforts, didn't spend 2 hours outside all summer. It's either too hot, too windy, or there's too many bugs.
That's easy to fix with the right carrot. Actually, if I may repurpose my grandfather's "Baptist beer" slang into "Baptist sugar," just tell her that she goes outside or she's not getting the goddamned ice cream. Better yet, you can lock down the computer account for further compliance.
In my experience, some <s>old</s> people are just marking time until they die.
Fixed.
Edited By Malcolm on 1444248589
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 7:40 pm
by GORDON
When she was first moving in I was trying to get a handle on what she would and wouldn't eat, since I am the house chef. I was hoping she'd like some of the things I liked but Dawn or Will didn't, so I'd have an excuse to make those things more often. I should have known better than to hope.
This is going to read like a comedy routine.
Me: Ok.... do you like hamburger?
Mother in Law: Yes.
Me: Chicken?
MIL: Yes
Me: Ok... tacos?
MIL: No. I dont like cheese.
Me: Well what about tacos with no cheese?
MIL: No.
Me: You can put it on a tortilla or shell or chips or whatever.
MIL: No.
Me: But you like tomatoes and lettuce and corn chips, right?
MIL: Yes.
Me: You eat everything else in a taco... is it the seasoning?
MIL: No. I wont eat tacos.
Me: what if I made it with very light seasoning?
MIL: No.
Me: What if I made it with no seasoning?
MIL: No I can't eat tacos.
Me: Hmm. Ok, moving on... what about fajitas?
MIL: No.
Me: But you like cooked peppers, onions, and chicken... it's the seasoning again, right?
MIL: I can't eat that.
Me: *sigh* Ok, moving on... let me think, you wont eat cheese so that means no pizza, chicken fettuccine, mac and cheese... are you sure you wont eat cheese?
MIL: I hate cheese.
Me: When did you last eat it?
MIL: When I was little.
Me: That was like 90 years ago. Why don't you try it? There have been many cheese advancements since the 1800's.
MIL: No I can't eat cheese.
Me: You refuse to try cheese?
MIL: I don't like cheese.
Me: Well why don't we make this easier and you just tell me something you like, then?
MIL: I like salmon patties.
Me: Like.... salmon in a can and you fry it up?
MIL: Yes.
Me: That's going to make the house smell great.
Me: What else?
MIL: I like dried beef gravy.
Me: What?
MIL: Dried beef gravy.
Me: Gravy made from dried beef?
MIL: Yes.
Me: What in the hell is dried beef?
MIL: It's dried beef.
Me: *googles dried beef* Oh.... this looks dumb. This looks like something they would have eaten during the Great Depression because the last milk cow died and they had to preserve it so it wouldn't all spoil. Are you aware we have access to fresh beef, now?
MIL: Yes.
Me: Well I like hamburger gravy and mashed potatoes, would you eat that?
MIL: I like hamburgers.
Me: No, hamburger GRAVY.
MIL: Hamburger gravy?
Me: Yes.
MIL: No, I can't eat that. I like dried beef gravy.
And this is why there are nights in which I cook three different dinners.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:18 am
by Alhazad
Tried just making her taco filling dip and serving it with corn chips?
Also, dried beef is pretty good. Letting the water evaporate concentrates the flavor.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:15 am
by GORDON
I had a taste of what she made. Bland as hell.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 9:09 am
by Leisher
Old people like bland food. They also tend to like things they ate when they grew up.
Her demands are ridiculous, but at least I understand where they're coming from.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:11 am
by GORDON
Just caught her with her hand literally in the cookie jar. "It's ok because I only eat the smallest ones."
I've wondered why her blood sugar has been elevated the last few days. Dawn baked.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:53 am
by TPRJones
Maybe if you strap one of those big cones to her neck like they put on dogs. One big enough that her hands can no longer reach her mouth. That would do it.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:54 am
by Malcolm
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 1:14 pm
by GORDON
Every day I put out a sugar free oatmeal cookie for her, she gets one a day. I hide the rest.
When she took the chocolate chip cookie, I threw her other cookie away while she watched. I wonder if I should check the trash later to see if she does a George Costanza.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 1:22 pm
by TheCatt
Test
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 1:23 pm
by TheCatt
TheCatt wrote:Test
722. Is the time zone messed up again?
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 1:27 pm
by GORDON
TheCatt wrote:TheCatt wrote:Test
722. Is the time zone messed up again?
I adjusted the main forum setting again. Not sure what is up with the server.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 4:19 pm
by GORDON
GORDON wrote:Every day I put out a sugar free oatmeal cookie for her, she gets one a day. I hide the rest.
When she took the chocolate chip cookie, I threw her other cookie away while she watched. I wonder if I should check the trash later to see if she does a George Costanza.
Walked into the kitchen and caught her stuffing another one in her mouth and walking away casually thinking I wouldn't notice.
Looks like I have tonight's Facebook MIL story.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:15 pm
by Malcolm
Lock the jar in something. Or better yet, get a smarter jar.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:41 pm
by TPRJones
Secretly record her denying the eating of cookies or whatever. Rig a circuit onto the cookie jar that plays that recording at high gain on a loop when she opens it.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:00 pm
by Alhazad
TPRJones wrote:Secretly record her denying the eating of cookies or whatever. Rig a circuit onto the cookie jar that plays that recording at high gain on a loop when she opens it.
This is pure sadism.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:04 pm
by GORDON
Her's the facebook post. I fleshed it out and provided some exposition.
+++
In the past, before I knew she wasn't actually interested in keeping to her diabetic diet and staying healthy, I used to let her buy a package of "no sugar added" cookies from the bakery. Then she would eat four a day and her blood sugar would be north of 300 and she would deny eating four cookies. I finally figured out that I needed to completely take control of her snacks, so I stopped taking her to the grocery store and would still purchase her package of no sugar added cookies, but would hide them and provide one to her each day in a little Tupperware bowl I called "The Magic Cookie Bowl."
Well, a few days ago Dawn baked chocolate chip cookies, and they were in a container on the counter top. Dawn asked me if I'd been eating them, I said a couple but not many. She said "Hmmm" and I should have been more suspicious but honestly sometimes I just get tired of thinking about her.
So today I walk into the kitchen and I literally catch her with her hand in the cookie jar.... she says, "It's ok because I only eat the smallest ones." I replied, "Yeah, hardly counts at all, huh."
So then I opened the magic cookie bowl and threw away today's sugar-free cookie... because she would also eat that later, if left to her own devices. I made sure the cookie fell into some grease so that she could still grab it, but it would cost her.
About two hours later I guess I startled her again, because she stuffed another chocolate chip cookie into her mouth, turned around, and sauntered away casually figuring I didn't notice.
I was exaggerating before when I mentioned padlocking a cupboard. I think it might actually be necessary.
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 9:51 pm
by Malcolm
Is it the effect of the sugar or the taste the she's jonesing for?
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 9:55 pm
by GORDON
Malcolm wrote:Is it the effect of the sugar or the taste the she's jonesing for?
Who the fuck knows. I wouldn't expect a cogent answer even if I asked.
