Premise:
Joel Schumacher attempts to atone for Batman and Robin.
Real premise:
The Nazis sent researchers into the American east coast in the '30s to check out some Nordic runestones for their occult uses.
Cast:
Michael Fassbender, Dominic Purcell, and Henry Cavill before he had to deal with Kevin Costner's penchant for walking into tornadoes.
Synopsis:
The young Xavier is a Nazi necromancer that needs blood from living humans to complete a ritual which will turn him into a demi-god. Superman and his ex-Marine brother go to fuck his shit up.
Review:
The setup is kind of cool. Nazis + black magic + zombies = awesome. The writers go all out with: zombie Nazis, zombie Nazi dogs, and zombie Nazi horses. Someone should've sat on this script for five years then tried to sell it to Disney for the next Indiana Jones movie. It'd be fucking perfect.
The time between the prologue and first bit of action occurring is only about ten minutes. That action could've been 10x better by delaying the prologue until somewhere in the middle of the film. Doing so makes the protagonists initially look like the villains. But since you saw the background info, you're tipped off.
The problems start happening about a third of the way through the movie, when anyone with half a brain realizes:
1) this shit could've been resolved fifty years ago
2) Nazi necromancers are fucking morons when dealing with anything outside the black arts
SPOILERS FOLLOW
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1) Since WWII ended, this family has been containing the necromancer in their cellar, and he hasn't broken out until now?
2) You've had the means to kill him for HOW FUCKING LONG? And you haven't used it yet even though you know of it and have had ample opportunity literally every day for decades? What the fuck did you think would happen?
3) Instead of killing him to be done with it, you kidnap and bleed transients? Yeah, covering up multiple disappearances over the years sounds way easier.
4) The runes that "protect" the family from the necro? They seem kind of fucking worthless if you can throw a rock through the windows they're painted on, burn the doors they're painted on, send a zombie horse to kick them in, etc. Even if you get them tattooed on you, you're fair game for his minions.
Blood Creek - At 'Dem Flicks with Malcolm
This wasn't that bad of a flick for being a throwaway horror film. But all the components for something much cooler are there. Execution was just so bad.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."