A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought
about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked
"That's a Daddy Long-legs," her father answered.
"Well, is the other one a Mommy Long-legs?
As his heart soared wit h the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy
long-legs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, Then
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having
any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
UnkBill jokes.
Let X = set theorists.
Let Y = act of screwing in a lighbulb.
How many X does it take to Y?
Let P = set of things incongruous to Y.
Let Q = set of things humorously appropriate to X.
N. One to do Y, N - 1 to do Z, where Z ∈ {P ∪ Q}.
Let Y = act of screwing in a lighbulb.
How many X does it take to Y?
Let P = set of things incongruous to Y.
Let Q = set of things humorously appropriate to X.
N. One to do Y, N - 1 to do Z, where Z ∈ {P ∪ Q}.
"ATTENTION: Customers browsing porn must hold magazines with both hands at all times!"
Four Worms and a lesson____
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a cont! ainer of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm ! in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a cont! ainer of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm ! in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Subject: FOOTBALL SEASON!
Now that football season is upon us, it's a good time to get in the mood by reading these quotations from well known football personalities!
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life." Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas...When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy Daugherty/ Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking." John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football" John Heisman
Now that football season is upon us, it's a good time to get in the mood by reading these quotations from well known football personalities!
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life." Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas...When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy Daugherty/ Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking." John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football" John Heisman
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Welfare Check
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches up to the counter and says. "Hi.. I'm here to pick up my monthly check." He adds: " You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.
The guy wide-eyed, says "You're Bullshitting me!
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well.......You started it."
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches up to the counter and says. "Hi.. I'm here to pick up my monthly check." He adds: " You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.
The guy wide-eyed, says "You're Bullshitting me!
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well.......You started it."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
Paul made a good funny.
And know first a good pickup line then.........
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
And know first a good pickup line then.........
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is...it really does work.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily see the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See...it really does work...you're smiling already.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily see the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See...it really does work...you're smiling already.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A trifecta today
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond! me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the reason for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond! me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the reason for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
THIS EXPLAINS THE ORIGIN OF WHY MEN STARTED WEARING EARRINGS.
A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"So," he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the co-worker replies peevishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"So," he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the co-worker replies peevishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
It's in image form, but I think it fits the spirit of this thread:
http://excds.ath.cx/fun/images/kmartvz5.jpg
http://excds.ath.cx/fun/images/kmartvz5.jpg
"ATTENTION: Customers browsing porn must hold magazines with both hands at all times!"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. " Tie me up, " she purred, " and you can do anything you want. " So he tied her up and went golfing.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
" Can you read this? " the optician asked.
" Read it? " the Polish guy replied, " I know the guy. "
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
" I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. "
" Thank God, " said an elderly nun at the back. " I'm so tired of chardonnay. "
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
" Careful, " he said, " CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! "
The wife stared at him. " What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? "
The husband calmly replied, " I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. "
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
" Can you read this? " the optician asked.
" Read it? " the Polish guy replied, " I know the guy. "
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
" I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. "
" Thank God, " said an elderly nun at the back. " I'm so tired of chardonnay. "
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
" Careful, " he said, " CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! "
The wife stared at him. " What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? "
The husband calmly replied, " I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. "
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
"FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK"
NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."
NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
(Raising your head slowly) "... In Jesus' name, Amen."
NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."
NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
(Raising your head slowly) "... In Jesus' name, Amen."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Subject: Chinese Virgin
Now for a change a pace, a Chinese joke...
Chinese Virgin
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?"
Now for a change a pace, a Chinese joke...
Chinese Virgin
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on thevestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Ohio, upon entering a church in Columbus, Ohio, .... behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call, Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Ohio now ...... You're in God's Country, It's a local call."
American by Birth - A Buckeye by the Grace of God.
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Ohio, upon entering a church in Columbus, Ohio, .... behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call, Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Ohio now ...... You're in God's Country, It's a local call."
American by Birth - A Buckeye by the Grace of God.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.