An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had another wee glass and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
UnkBill jokes.
RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis
for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus.
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis
for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus.
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tabl es, horseshoe courts,
and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tabl es, horseshoe courts,
and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
"Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker .. "
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
"Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker .. "
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Man walks into a bar cupping his hands that are full of shit. He looks at everyone and says "Can you believe it I almost stepped in this!"
Three blonds walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
Discrimination roars its ugly head again.
Sign in bar.
Men- No Shirt No service!
Woman- No shirt Free Drinks!
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N....I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Three blonds walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
Discrimination roars its ugly head again.
Sign in bar.
Men- No Shirt No service!
Woman- No shirt Free Drinks!
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N....I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph . The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph . The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
WHAT IS A PONDERISM?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
His practice has no room for new patients! Now, he is a medical wizard!
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the�middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the�middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
The man says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're sitting on my side."
Then the priest comes in.
The man says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're sitting on my side."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
Edited By unkbill on 1248709407
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
Edited By unkbill on 1248709407
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat pork packed in a can because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just "spam"!
Rumble in the sky.
If you hear a rumble in the sky tonight don't worry it isn't a thunderstorm. It is Elvis beating the hell out of Micheal Jackson for marrying his daughter.
Rumble in the sky.
If you hear a rumble in the sky tonight don't worry it isn't a thunderstorm. It is Elvis beating the hell out of Micheal Jackson for marrying his daughter.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
The wit of Rodney Dangerfield.....
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I knew a girl so ugly.... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
LAST ONE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't’ve had anything to play with.
Edited By unkbill on 1248876105
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I knew a girl so ugly.... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
LAST ONE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't’ve had anything to play with.
Edited By unkbill on 1248876105
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
On his 66th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed the ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Encouraged, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Very eager to see if it worked he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Encouraged, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Very eager to see if it worked he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of Candles.
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, then he went on, in his obnoxious way: "You purchase a lot of biscuits, what do you do with all the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of Holy
biscuits".
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year.they send us a complete dick."
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of Candles.
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, then he went on, in his obnoxious way: "You purchase a lot of biscuits, what do you do with all the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of Holy
biscuits".
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year.they send us a complete dick."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Today be my baby girl 18th Birthday.
I be so glad that dis be my last child support Payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, And when she get here, I Say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
And Tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
And I want you to Come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face."
So, my baby girl take The check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout The 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
"Now What yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .
And watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!
I be so glad that dis be my last child support Payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, And when she get here, I Say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
And Tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
And I want you to Come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face."
So, my baby girl take The check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout The 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
"Now What yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .
And watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.