The Italian Nursing Home*
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. *
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,
says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents.
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's
85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls
him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's
95 years old. He hasn't been
on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a
tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The Fucking Mexican'
UnkBill jokes.
-
Mommy Dearest
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue May 25, 2004 12:59 pm
The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns , American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden . She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters .
What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns , American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden . She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters .
What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching hisnuts,over and over, something she just seemed to love to do.As he was enjoying it, 30 minutes later he turned and asked her, 'Whydoyou love doing that?''Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
...Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it
...Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Subject: FW: The Funeral Procession
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened
to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
"MOST PEOPLE DON'T PLAN TO FAIL, THEY FAIL TO PLAN"
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened
to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
"MOST PEOPLE DON'T PLAN TO FAIL, THEY FAIL TO PLAN"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
The Dead Cow and Vet School
First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Have a great day - I wouldn't eat right away if I were you.....
First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Have a great day - I wouldn't eat right away if I were you.....
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em inside the house.
Better wait outside.
Cooter
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em inside the house.
Better wait outside.
Cooter
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Do you know what happened back in 1850, 159 years ago?
California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish..
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish..
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico
. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community is sending food and money.
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God bless America !!!!
. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community is sending food and money.
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God bless America !!!!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
GOnna throw in an old Smother Brother joke:
"You know, they say that you can judge how rich someone is by how many clothes they have on. Poor people have less money, so they have less clothes on.
So who is running the government?
The more-ons."
Rimshot.
"You know, they say that you can judge how rich someone is by how many clothes they have on. Poor people have less money, so they have less clothes on.
So who is running the government?
The more-ons."
Rimshot.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
The Quote of the day
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."
Guy says: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a five! Now get lost!
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."
Guy says: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a five! Now get lost!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
BUBBA HAS A QUESTION
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin...
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin...
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
...............................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
...............................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.