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Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 9:33 am
by unkbill
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it. ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from.'
Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:41 pm
by unkbill
Detroit Lions 2009 schedule
September
13................. Taft Junior High School
20................Cub Scout Troop #101
27................. Detroit Blind Academy
October
04.................Spanish American War Vets
11................Crippled Children's Home
18................ Eloise Mental Hospital
25................Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
01.................. Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic
08.................Fraser Boys Choir
15.................Korean Amputees
22......... National Hospital Pastorial Ministers
26............... Great Lakes Sychronized Swimming Team
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 08.................. Grand Rapids Gay Boys Club
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Lions must not disconnect knee braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy , the Lions must not hide the football under their jerseys.
** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line. For all you Lions fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Lions will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime.
4 - The Lions will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 - The Lions will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.
** NAME CHANGE **
The Detroit Lions will be changed to the Detroit Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.
** COACHING CHANGES **
Field goal kicker will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky.She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!
Edited By unkbill on 1231609305
Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 10:56 am
by unkbill
NASCAR NEWS...
Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the
government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Chicago's South Side were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of
dollars worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management
team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However Gordon got
more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced
crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12
seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and
sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some
photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
Chicago's Democratic Party officials stated they always knew Chicago's
South Sider's had unused skills other than political corruption and
mayhem. However, they refused to identify which school ran by Arnie
Duncan and Mayor Daley provided such intensive job skills training.
Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:14 pm
by unkbill
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever # 4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever # 6
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Stress Reliever # 7
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Stress Reliever # 8
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
.
_
Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:22 pm
by unkbill
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
>
> It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
> flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
>
> 'What are my choices?' John asked.
>
> 'Yes or no,' she replied.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
> tickets.
>
> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
> opened his trench coat and flashed her.
>
> Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
> your stub.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #4
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
> she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
>
> She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
>
> The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #3
>
> The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
> speeding rolled down his window.
>
> 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
>
> The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
>
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
> without a ticket.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #2
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
> that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right
> in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up
> for miles.
>
> Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
> to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck,
> huh?'
>
> The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out
> of gas.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
> class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
> might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
> or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
> whatsoever!'
>
> A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
> 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
> and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter
> and snickering..
>
> When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
> student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to
> write the exam with your other hand.'
>
>
>
> A BONUS EXTRA
>
> A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
> happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
> look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
>
>
> V/R
Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:37 pm
by unkbill
The Irishman In Confession
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
Th e Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:06 am
by unkbill
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'
warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with those who love - but sometimes hate - their
computer!
Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:34 pm
by unkbill
Wise Old Jewish Man
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.
What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:17 pm
by unkbill
Dot
"The Dot"SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP:For centuries, Hindu women
have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada or the US. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:34 pm
by unkbill
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. "No way!! No needles!! I hate needles," the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", says the patient, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Great - Here's a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth!!!"
Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:44 pm
by unkbill
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word
'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few
cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:22 am
by unkbill
Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 3:44 pm
by unkbill
Just before the funeral services, the undertakercame up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hipreplacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, andperspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:13 pm
by unkbill
Iraqi Hockey Player
The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and i suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .
Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.
Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star...
When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such great time."
The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry? You're Sorry?!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:55 pm
by unkbill
New Home Depot Scam This happened to me.
A big 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot or Lowes customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Back in November, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into the back
of your SUV or Truck. They both have battery powered car vacuums and start vacuuming the inside of your vehicle, cleaning the inside of your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their coats.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds or the closest fast food restaurant. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, breasts everywhere, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on January 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for $1.99 each
Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:38 pm
by unkbill
A Total Golf Nut
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. he was convinced that it was true love. So on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut" Ed said to his new found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded saying, "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker!"
"I see", Ed replied. "That's a problem, for sure!"
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off!"
Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:13 pm
by unkbill
10 BEST GOLF CADDY REPLIES
#10 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
CADDY: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
CADDY: "Try heaven, you've already moved the earth."
#8 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Do you think my game is improving?"
CADDY: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
CADDY: "Eventually."
#6 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
CADDY: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
CADDY: "It's not a watch sir, it's a compass."
#4 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "How do you like my game?"
CADDY: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
CADDY: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "This is the worst course I've ever played on"
CADDY: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
CADDY: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:09 pm
by unkbill
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said, "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!." George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!
Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:12 pm
by unkbill
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:56 pm
by unkbill
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
ATT00000.gif
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End