Hands and Knees
Walking into the bar, Richard said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Rich ard replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charlie. 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit!'
UnkBill jokes.
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,... the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table w/a single rose.
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'What happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table.?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239 .99
Hot Breakfast $4. 20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,... the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table w/a single rose.
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'What happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table.?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239 .99
Hot Breakfast $4. 20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
-
Mommy Dearest
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue May 25, 2004 12:59 pm
Catt you hurting that bad? Sorry I am all about real estate and thank the lord nothing is for saleTheCatt wrote:Overheard on the trading floor....
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
Well, we've lost a fair amount, since most of our retirement stuff/529 plans/etc are in equities.Mommy Dearest wrote:Catt you hurting that bad? Sorry I am all about real estate and thank the lord nothing is for saleTheCatt wrote:Overheard on the trading floor....
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
But... those were things I overheard yesterday, not things I said.
It's not me, it's someone else.
I love short but easily understood radio transmissions.
Here's a classic radio transcript!
In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
A friend of mine just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF emergency frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar:
"Unknown aircraft at(location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace.
Identify yourself."
Aircraft:
"This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Radar:
"You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we
will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft:
"This is a United States Navy FA-18 Super Hornet. Send 'em up!"
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Here's a classic radio transcript!
In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
A friend of mine just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF emergency frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar:
"Unknown aircraft at(location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace.
Identify yourself."
Aircraft:
"This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Radar:
"You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we
will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft:
"This is a United States Navy FA-18 Super Hornet. Send 'em up!"
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... but that's not the worst of it.My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewall s are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewall s are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Monkey Buble
Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became solittle that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $100! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $50 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $100.'
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
(Punch line tomorrow or make up one yourself)
Edited By unkbill on 1225066854
Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became solittle that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $100! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $50 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $100.'
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
(Punch line tomorrow or make up one yourself)
Edited By unkbill on 1225066854
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita , Kansas , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more -
"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.There's an annual salary y of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston , Texas . That's about 616 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now”
"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.There's an annual salary y of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston , Texas . That's about 616 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now”
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
The dirty wash!
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees the neighbor hang up the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs another laundry soap.
The husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would make the same comment.
About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, 'Look! she has learned how to wash correctly.' I wonder who taught her this?
Her husband said, 'I got up early this morning and washed the windows.'
And so it is with life: What we see while watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look .
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees the neighbor hang up the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs another laundry soap.
The husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would make the same comment.
About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, 'Look! she has learned how to wash correctly.' I wonder who taught her this?
Her husband said, 'I got up early this morning and washed the windows.'
And so it is with life: What we see while watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look .
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week. And finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week. And finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A heartwarming story.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
You know you're a redneck when......?
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog..
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal*Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog..
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal*Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Geography Lesson
Between birth and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, With a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick.
Between birth and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, With a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .....
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .....
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns
around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting.....
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns
around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting.....
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
The Creation of Ohio
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven ,
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet ," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that?
"Ah," said God. "That's Ohio ,the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan , Indiana ,
West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Kentucky !
GO BUCKEYES
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven ,
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet ," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that?
"Ah," said God. "That's Ohio ,the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan , Indiana ,
West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Kentucky !
GO BUCKEYES
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
unkbill wrote:Geography Lesson
Code: Select all
<@MORA> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
<@MORA> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
<@MORA> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
<@MORA> Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
<@MORA> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
<@MORA> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.
<@MORA> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
<@MORA> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
<@MORA> After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story