Welcome to Thunderdome

I mostly like the prologue.

You're missing a word here: "She curled up and she her hands over her abdomen."

"A therapist woke with the sun, she showered and thought about those in her care, ready for another day in her arena." -> "with the sun. She..."

. A kind lawman shaved, considered a meeting he had this morning… the chief had plans to work from home that day, and he himself would be running the show. A different policeman put his carefully laid plans into motion.

How many policemen are involved here? 3? 2? Make this clearer.

overseeing the game on their side. Another day in an endless river of more than a trillion, on this world. .

What game? Trillion whats?

The ancient, unseen current worked, placing the pieces of the great game into their final positions

I would avoid the word final, or otherwise see if there's a way to leave a question mark until the final sentence of the prologue "moving the pieces into place" or "moving pieces of the great game into their next positions"

GORDON wrote: omewhere in the Texas desert, the Florida sunrise was only a hint of a glow on the eastern horizon. A spring flowed from shattered rock, as it had since the end of the last ice age. Something seemed different in the desert, today. The natural world sensed something was about to happen, and the outcome would change this particular place, for good or ill.

I don't love this, and I'm not sure why.

I would avoid characterizing the first lawman and the "insane" man. Let the reader figure out who is what, don't tell them.

GORDON wrote: She stared out the round window, she watched the sky turn from black to gray to blue, rarely blinking, rarely allowing a thought.

This is either two sentences, or the "watched" needs to change to "watching" to have parallel construction with blinking and allowing.

GORDON wrote: A sad, subdued girl prepared a syringe for her mother, trying to focus on her task, and not that everything would be changing tomorrow, and wondering if she would be alive to see it.

I would do something to suggest that this is not the same girl. Another paragraph. Maybe one paragraph per character?

TheCatt wrote: I would avoid characterizing the first lawman and the "insane" man. Let the reader figure out who is what, don't tell them.

I hear you. But nah, it plays. And when read with the epilogue, at the end of book 3, it bookends the entire story amazingly well.

And your mom is two sentences.

ANd I thought I said don't critique this too hard, other edits have already been done. This is just a taste.

GORDON wrote: This woman, Marina Marcus, Doctor of Psychiatry, received the phone call that changed her life at four in the afternoon, as she was wrapping up the charts for the day, and was about to write up the overnight and morning meds orders.

Too much telling, not enough showing.

"Dr. Marina Marcus was just wrapping up her charts for the day, when the phone rang"

GORDON wrote: ANd I thought I said don't critique this too hard, other edits have already been done. This is just a taste.

I must have missed that? Just providing my feedback, do with as you please.

ok, stop now.

TheCatt wrote:

GORDON wrote: ANd I thought I said don't critique this too hard, other edits have already been done. This is just a taste.

I must have missed that? Just providing my feedback, do with as you please.

And there were even a few editing changes between now, and when I last compiled for the eBook. So just chill about that. When I give you the beta version, that's when you give me corrections, because as far as I know, at that point it's all good to go.

Minor things, overall I like it.

Thank you.

To clarify, I've never asked for critique, in this thread.

I have no one I've been able to share this project with, not even my STBXW. She's had no interest from the beginning. What I was hoping for, sharing it here, was "Huh, neat, nice job." Or, at worst, "Neat, but not my cup of tea." I just need to share with SOMEONE.

Won't you all be my someone?

That being said, Book 1 is the one I actively dislike. It's so damned dark... but I needed a place to start. I start them in hell, so when they learn to fly, they fly so high.... books 2 and 3, I'm much more excited about.

Holy shit my name needs to be S. X. Gordonopolis.

GORDON wrote: Won't you all be my someone?

I was just trying to be helpful.

GORDON wrote: To clarify, I've never asked for critique, in this thread.

But you also didn't not ask?

Has anyone ever published on KDP?

I have a question that someone with experience could probably answer. But I won't bother if no one here, or their spouses, have used it.

Not here.

Trying to make the book available for free on KDP to advance reviewers before it goes on sale, but I don't think it's possible.

GORDON wrote: Trying to make the book available for free on KDP to advance reviewers before it goes on sale, but I don't think it's possible.

You can make a kindle form of the book to give to people. My wife has done that.

I don't want it to be publicly available, just for people I invite.

But I'll probably just put it for sale. I don't plan on doing any marketing until book 2 is up, so it won't get much attention, anyway.

GORDON wrote: I don't want it to be publicly available, just for people I invite.

Right. You make the Kindle form, and just email it to people.

Bought it. Going to Boston in two weeks, will read then. You, uh, want feedback?