Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions, Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, but teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".
UnkBill jokes.
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herbs pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herbs pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
There will be no nativity scene in the United States Congress, this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A mortician was working late one night.He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Medical Alert - Contagious Virus
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Re-booter (BEER). Take the antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Re-booter (BEER). Take the antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too"
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door..
"OLD" IS WHEN .... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND "OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too"
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door..
"OLD" IS WHEN .... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND "OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes
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In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES: USE BIRTH CONTROL
Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people makeup 75% of the population
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES: USE BIRTH CONTROL
Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people makeup 75% of the population
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIREDDETOUR OFF THEINFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLYREPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COSTPROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.He does not have a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2.?He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLYCAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVEDESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLEREGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$$" - He develops acase ofRECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of hispants - It's "REARCLEAVAGE."
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIREDDETOUR OFF THEINFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLYREPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COSTPROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.He does not have a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2.?He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLYCAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVEDESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLEREGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$$" - He develops acase ofRECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of hispants - It's "REARCLEAVAGE."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
***************************************************************
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
***************************************************************
Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
**************************************************************
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
**************************************************************
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
**************************************************************
Arkansas:
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded
to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
**************************************************************
And my favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
***************************************************************
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
***************************************************************
Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
**************************************************************
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
**************************************************************
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
**************************************************************
Arkansas:
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded
to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
**************************************************************
And my favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
What can Brown do for you.
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.
Bob,in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.
Bob,in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh,nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A Wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said, "the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could fly."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh,nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A Wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said, "the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could fly."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate:
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess
With an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scotch whisky,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Indonesian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian trucks-drivers, shipped by the chinese shipping company unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess
With an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scotch whisky,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Indonesian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian trucks-drivers, shipped by the chinese shipping company unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Subject: Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage
my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."....
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage
my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."....
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Men Quotes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Southen-isms\
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say ,"Bless her heart" ...
and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now, Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say ,"Bless her heart" ...
and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now, Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Have a nice day.....
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Have a nice day.....
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......
They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars!"
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign . . .
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars!"
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign . . .
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.