UnkBill jokes.

For stuff that is general.
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unkbill
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Post by unkbill »

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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unkbill
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Post by unkbill »

The next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I think I will just whisper
"You can see Me?"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

I was telling a girl at Starbucks about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really", she said and unbuttoned her blouse, "This I’ve got to see."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she said, "Well, what day was I born?"

I said, “Yesterday."
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read..........Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
TheCatt
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Post by TheCatt »

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.
It's not me, it's someone else.
Alhazad
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Post by Alhazad »

Would a bulimic cheerleader's mouth become a CheerI/O after breakfast?
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GORDON
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Post by GORDON »

Alhazad out of fucking nowhere.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
Alhazad
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Post by Alhazad »

This is the best thread on the board.
We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I play golf.
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
Paul
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Post by Paul »

A guy walks into a bar with a small spider monkey. It is very hyper and jumps all over the bar and tables. The monkey eventually makes its way to the billiards table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender is mad, but the patron explains that he would pay for the cue ball and leave.
Sometime later the man and monkey return. The monkey hops on the bar again and the bartender serves the man his drink. Then the monkey grabs a cherry and puts it in its ass, takes it out and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted and says, "What the hell was that, man?" The patron replies, "Ever since he ate the cue ball he measures things first."
Malcolm
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Post by Malcolm »

Old joke. So old I heard it when I was in undergrad.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Malcolm
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Post by Malcolm »

A pirate walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a drink. While drawing a pint, he notices the pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch.

Barkeep: How'd you lose that leg?

Pirate: Blown off by a cannonball.

B: Ouch. That's rough. How'd you lose the hand?

P: Shark bit it off.

B: Holy shit. That's crazy. What about the eye?

P: Seagull shat in me eye.

B: ... It blinded you? Come on, you look tougher than that.

P: Was the first day with the hook.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
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unkbill
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Post by unkbill »

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
TheCatt
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Post by TheCatt »

Not really unkbill jokes, but funny.
It's not me, it's someone else.
GORDON
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Post by GORDON »

I told this one to a bunch of cub scouts near Halloween:

Q: What's the scariest type of bee?

A: Boo-bees!
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

Image
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
Paul
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Post by Paul »

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS?

Well, one you have to shuck between fits...
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

Image
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

Image
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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