Yay Amazon Prime! (Hayride)
Yay Netflix! (Hayride 2)
There are some exceptional low budget horror films. This is not one of them.
A guy, Richard Tyson (you know him from Kindergarten Cop and Black Hawk Down) runs a haunted hay ride. His nephew and girlfriend come in from out of town to help him. Meanwhile, a serial killer has broken free of police custody. Queue up the killing!
This film could be such a great tool for teaching up and coming directors on what not to do. This was the director's first feature film, and it shows. He tries too hard to be artistic with camera angles and odd shots. This is the sort of shit they warn directors about on day 1 of film school.
One entire 5 minute sequence is unwatchable. I repeat: UNWATCHABLE. The director surrounds the entire screen with a filter that makes the film look damaged. Then the scene being shown is very poorly lit. On top of all that, he shoots everything in the scene WAY too close and from odd angles, so you cannot make out anything happening. It is honestly the most poorly executed movie scene I've ever sat through.
The dialogue is schlocky garbage, but whatever. It gets fucking hilarious later in the film. This film is worth it just for the post-slaughter talk between survivors. Picture everything you wouldn't talk about after surviving a massacre, and that's what they talk about. It's amazing.
The killer, himself, is pretty funny because of how he treats victims. It's like a child was helping to write the movie. "Oh, he kills those heavily armed guys really quickly, but when it comes to the stick of a boy who actually could harm him, he just kind of slaps him around and keeps letting him get up and attack him from behind."
Another scene that stands out is four cops in pitch black woods who are grouped up, yet still get taken out by the killer ninja that weighs 350 easily and makes audible loud thumps every time he takes a step.
You probably won't expect where the story goes and that's to the film's credit. Yeah, they break a rule that I've trashed other films for, but I'll allow it here. I would give you an example of both a film I've criticized for it and one that does it REALLY well (and is famous for it), but I don't want to spoil what is the best part of the movie.
(I kind of hit some spoilers here, but it's worth it.)
Killer is an unstoppable man? Check.
Sequel set in a hospital? Check.
Relation to the killer story line? Check.
Guy named Loomis hunting the killer? Check.
Sound familiar? Clearly the writer/director is a huge Halloween fan, and that's cool. The problem is that when you try to emulate a FAR more successful and famous film, you immediately draw comparisons to that film.
Ok, I will say that I respect the fact that there was clearly an overall plan for the story to bridge both films. That's awesome. Where this fails is the details. No attention is paid to them at all. Also, there's so much of the story tied up in cliches, bad dialogue, ignorance in how the real world works, etc. And hey look, now we're dealing with a racist killer, because slaughtering 50 people over two movies didn't make him evil enough. Yes, the mute killer is a racist. He just tried to lynch a black guy with a rope he conveniently had laying around and already tied up. Unbelievable. You kind of figure out why the killer might go easy on a couple of the people, and then you realize that doesn't make sense either. Again...details.
The unstoppable killer ninja giant that is as strong as the Hulk and feels no pain has a bum knee? What the ever loving fuck? And how in the hell did that person survive? Are you kidding me? You don't survive that. And wait, are you serious? That? That was the final blow? There is no fucking consistency! DETAILS!!!!!!
I don't recommend either film alone. However, if you're a horror geek and/or you love watching bad movies and making fun of them, you should watch these two back to back. In fact, for the later group, I'd call them "must see". For the former, if you're looking for good horror, skip it.
I really want someone else to watch these so we can make fun of them together.
As long as we recognize Lucas is washed up and most TV sucks, we'll all get along fine.
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