Northmen: a Viking Saga - At 'Dem Flicks with Malcolm

As long as we recognize Lucas is washed up and most TV sucks, we'll all get along fine.
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Malcolm
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Joined: Fri May 21, 2004 1:04 pm
Location: Minneapolis

Post by Malcolm »

Synopsis:
Vikings land in Scotland and find excuses to swing swords and axes.

Review:
Sometimes the plot gets in the fucking way. This movie is one fine example. It does, however, promise what it delivers. Fucking Vikings fucking killing various people of the British Isles. Consider them to be the Medieval Expendables with an A-Team motive.

The titular band has been exiled from their homeland for some fucking reason no one cares about and has to buy back into society. After surviving a shitty voyage across the sea, they scale a sheer fucking cliff and start killing the natives like bad-ass conquering Scandinavians. One dude gets away to warn his king the Vikes have just decimated his daughter's escort, are probably gang-raping her as they speak, and she's going to be late for her political marriage. By some very convoluted logic, the mercs comprising his elite troops convince him the princess needs to die if she can't be rescued. This sets off a chain of events leading to the eventual showdown between the mercs and the Vikings along with their Christian Pict monk-ninja sidekick.

This is a classic action movie that gave me vibes of Conan and Predator in a few scenes.

Verdict:
Solid. You've seen way worse films.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
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