UnkBill jokes.

For stuff that is general.
GORDON
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Post by GORDON »

Ha that's funnier because it isn't a capital.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
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unkbill
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Post by unkbill »

Anima Right Sandwich

Serves 1
Prep time: 5 min.

Ingrediants:
2 rabbits
2 Squirrels
2 Artichokes
1 Head of lettuce
Bread
Butter

Let the rabbits and squirrels go. Don't cut the heart out of the artichokes because it has rights just like humans. Leave the lettuce alone. You can butter the bread and eat that.

Hunting Camp Tales
North American Hunting Club
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

A blond & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a
Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down
house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull
out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ' Why
are you Throwing those nails away?'
**Lynn** explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip Of her index finger shot off.
How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by
shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting
myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before
I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a
really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so
the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner
saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard
& all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees
& started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened..
So she blew a little harder & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop
out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up &
took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So
she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'
+++++++++++++
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home
for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off
it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple
of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde
came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on
my eyes."
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by unkbill »

Syllesses by paraproskodians.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning,creating a syllepsis.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Interesting piece of history.

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
_

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

_

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started...

_

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

_

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

_

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by unkbill »

Thats funny. Thanks for the help. I am in a dry period for funny for some reason. That made me laugh. Good.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas .
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A.The Dallas Cowboys


Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?

A.Put up a goal post.


Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

At dawn the telephone rings..."Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit..."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.


Are you OK?
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Post by unkbill »

12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird!

Salmonella won't be a concern.

Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

No one will overeat.

The smoke alarm was due for a test.

Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

A plane is on it's way to Toronto, when a blond in the economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blond that she paid for economy class and she will have to sit in the back.

The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot he probably should have the police waiting to arrest the blond when they land.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blond? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blond. I speak blond."

He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear. She says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and returns to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move.

I told her, "First class isn't going to Toronto."
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by unkbill »

The "Bacon Tree"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I tink."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Et ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in de desert don forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within about 5 feet , Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

“Pepe.. go back man, you was right, ees no bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it den? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

2011 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration... Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011

It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2011

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had, forget your home address!

In simple words .............

May 2011 be the best year of your life!!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

A woman goes to the doctor with severe bruises and lacerations....

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "I say; have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "'Ave you ever 'ad a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been screwed den, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when da tide comes in."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Every Red Blooded American should jump in line to support the Green Bay
Packers! The Packers defeated the Chicago Bears last Sunday afternoon thus
earning them the opportunity to go to the Super Bowl. By doing so, they
saved the hard-working, red blooded, taxpaying Americans literally
several million dollars of tax money.
How you say? Simple... we were told that if the Chicago Bears had won that President Obama (and probably his family) would be attending the Super Bowl to cheer on his hometown team. Since the Bears lost...the President won't be attending. The money saved from not using Air Force 1, the limousines, all the additional security, and let's not forget Michelle Obama's entourage, is literally several million dollars!
Therefore every American should cheer on the Green Bay Packers at the
Super Bowl to show them our gratitude. With that said...let's circulate this
email to everyone we know so they can understand why they should cheer for America's team...the Green Bay Packers! GO PACK GO !!!!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

ARABS

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?- No pork chops?- No hotdogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?- You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?- You wipe your ass with your hand?- You cook over burning camel shit?- Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? No shit Sherlock!.... ?....It's not like it could get much worse!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

The N. Dakota Department of government offices claimed a small Crosby farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

ND Govt employee : I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer : Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

ND Govt employee : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Farmer : That would be me.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $100 to $500 in price with the sheerest at the top of the price range. He opts for the most expensive item and takes it home.

He gives it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife spots the sales tag and thinks, 'It's so sheer I may as well be wearing nothing and gets an idea. I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!'
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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