UnkBill jokes.

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unkbill
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Post by unkbill »

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm FINALLY at this level, and can really feel/see the difference.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, instructing them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'Are you a in the 5th grade?'

'No, ma'am', he replied,'I'm actually a jockey and I am riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate all of your help.'
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by unkbill »

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.........

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

A husband, married 57 years, says to his wife,

'You never argue anymore when I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?'
'I just clean the toilet,' she replies.
'WHAT?? Clean the toilet! How does THAT help?' he asks.
'I use YOUR toothbrush!'
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Politically incorrect

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. .

"Yes?", asks St. Peter . .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
I could hear a lot of the patients shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion,that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Ohio reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Nelsonville, OH, Bubba Brewski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless".

Buckeyes are such a proud bunch.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.."

"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by unkbill »

Things I Learned in the South

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no ones seen before.

If it grows, itll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jaw-P? means Did yall go to the bathroom?

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means Im fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.


Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?

You dont have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until youre done or its too dark to see.

You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

No, Jew? is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer?

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys,Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead or just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by Leisher »

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!



The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'


She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'


Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by unkbill »

Bible and a Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you.
You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad,I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

And his father replied, "Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Women Are Evil By Nature...







A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Watching last comic standing Tuesday. Joke pegged a bar owner here.(Not MD)
To black guys walk into a bar. The bartender tells them he doesn't serve there kind here. They start to leave. One looks at the other and says. "How did he know we are Jewish" Made me laugh and think. Made me think and laugh. That is the best kind of joke.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Attn: Beneficiary,
In regards to your fund transfer, we the entire members of the Federal House of Senate have approved the above documents in your name to enable us conclude this final stage of your transfer before the 23st June, 2010. Contact: Senator Kenneth Amoru,Payment Director Senate,Federal Republic of Nigeria .DIRECT PHONE: +234-8030-411-584 EMAIL: senateoff-ng@hotmail.com


Now that is fuckin funny. Anyone loosing money to this guy deserves it.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Editorial today's paper. Pertains to Ohio's court decision to allow cops to be able to judge a cars speed and issue a ticket without a radar gun.
Editorial goes." Minor and Major league teams are feeling the pinch of economics. They could save thousands of dollars by employing off duty Ohio police officers and removing the radar guns at the stadiums. Just have the officer stand behind the umpires and sound off how fast the pitch is coming in."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills (& Winter Park) fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,

it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyNew York"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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