UnkBill jokes.

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GORDON
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Post by GORDON »

Permanent thread for Unk's jokes.

Begin.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
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Post by TheCatt »

Unk and a friend were involved in a head-on collision in their car and pickup respectively.

Unk leapt from his car and helped his friend from his wrecked vehicle.

"You look terrible" said Unk kindly. "Hold on"

He goes back to his own car, opens the boot and brings out a bottle of scotch. He hands it to his friend who has a small sip.

"Feeling better?" he asks.

"A bit," replied his friend, still looking a bit shaky.

"Have some more!" cries Unk generously. His friend takes the bottle and has another, larger slurp.

"Don't you want any to steady your nerves?" asks his friend concernedly.

"What, with the Police arriving so soon?"
It's not me, it's someone else.
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Post by unkbill »

Figures. What an honor and not one good joke all day.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lions jersey and carrying a little
wiener dog that also has a Lions jersey on with a little Lions helmet too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the
Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the
game."


The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs in the bar would not be
allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can
have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you
or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty
soon the Lions kick a field goal and the wiener dog jumps up on the bar and
walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.


The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

HOSPITAL PHONE CALL

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will
enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives
information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is
getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's
name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is
going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Do you EVER WONDER....


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

HOME DEPOT SCAM!!! PLEASE READ!

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 30-35 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get
in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into
the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 10th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

For the Republicans here.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts
screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right
now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says,...."Who is this?"
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

BEER SLOGANS
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields
I’m not an alcoholic. THEY go to meetings.
It’s not a Beer Gut. It’s a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Got Beer?
Beer- the other white meat
Beer Heals All Wounds
Beer kills the weak brain cells. This is why you seem smarter when you drink.
Drink Til I Look Better
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Beer Me.
Need Money For Alcohol Research
Don't Want Me, Yet? Have Another Drink.
I have a lot of influence. I drive under it mostly.
Hey, Princess, bring me a beer!
BEER is technically a vegetarian meal.
Love the Limelight. And the Bud Lite, and the Miller Lite ...
Rolling Drunken Blackouts Likely
Beer, It Does A Belly Good!
Rehab is my Timeout.
I want a Heinie, and it's not beer I'm talking about.
Mary Queen of Scotch
I'm Party Trained!
Beer - It's What's For Breakfast
Too much blood, not enough alcohol.
Beer Depository
God takes care of drunks and babies. Do you know how lucky that is for a drunk baby?
Mr. Sober Here Needs A Drink,
Alcohol Slurvivor
Beer Me!
I am drunkard, beer me roar!
I've been sober way too long.
Beer Makes The Heart Grow Fonder
Sobriety is a curable condition.
Beer Pong Should Be An Olympic Sport
Locked & Loaded (particularly loaded)
I'm not an alcoholic. I can schtop any slime.
Drink 'Til Yer Stoopid
Beer- the cause of and solution to most of life’s problems
Beer- helping white people dance for 5000 years
"Beer- it's not just for breakfast anymore"
"Beer- it's what's for dinner"
"Beer- it does a body good"
What part of beer don’t you understand?
Rehab is for Quitters
My Blood Content is effecting my Alcohol Level
"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"
"Friends don't let friends drink cheap beer"
"Two beers or not two beers"
“Save the Ales”
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:


(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is ”Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is ”an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is ”embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

"The Bush administration extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler

"During appearances in Denver , John Kerry re-opened the door to running for president in 2008. You know, somebody should really lock that door." --Jay Leno

"Hugh Hefner announced he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Now don't confuse that with Bill ... who likes huge heffers." --Jay Leno

"Things aren't looking good for Republicans. John McCain's campaign is in free fall. Mitt Romney got caught making up those stupid hunting stories. Rudy Giuliani's been married three times. In fact, the Republican candidates are doing so badly, Democrats are gonna have to work extra hard to screw up this next election" --Jay Leno

"John Kerry has said he has not ruled out running for president again. Oh, the voters have ruled it out. ... First, Kerry said he wouldn't run. Now he said he might change his mind. It's nice to know he's consistent on changing his mind." --Jay Leno

"According to the Boston Globe, presidential candidate John Edwards got two $400 haircuts at a Beverly Hills Salon ... and a $225 facial at a place called the Pink Sapphire. The Pink Sapphire? Doesn't that sound like something that shows up on your credit card statement, and you quickly have to explain to the wife?" --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said she doesn't lie awake at night worrying about attacks from her political opponents. But she does lie awake at night wondering where the hell her husband is" --Conan O'Brien

"As far as anyone can remember, no New Jersey governor has ever been in a car crash ... although former Governor McGreevey was frequently rear-ended." --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates, say they the will not participate in a presidential debate next month, because the debate is on Fox News and Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you're afraid of Fox News?" --Jay Leno

"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno

"All of the major Democratic presidential candidates have now pulled out of a presidential debate sponsored by Fox News, because they feel Fox News is biased. Today, Fox denied the claim and said, 'Well, Republicans are going to win anyway.'" --Jay Leno

"CBS News reports that despite the money Obama has raised, Hillary Clinton is not about to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" -Jay Leno
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Apple computer today reported that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo.

This is considered to be a major break-through because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

Old Harold

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.


I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.
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Post by unkbill »

Subject: University Study

A 2007 study by Clemson University found that the Average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found That Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

O.K. Little help here. Seem to have hit a joke draught. Anyone read anything to make one laugh?
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Post by unkbill »

Here are some tips for investing those big bucks this year. I went over them with my broker at Edward Jones and he and I like these. Pony up on the bucks and get ready to drag some real dollars into your back pocket. These are the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor.

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co.
Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally ....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the
new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
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Post by unkbill »

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain ,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the! rectum ?? "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral o f the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!


If you don't send this to at least 1 person no one will give a poop
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Post by unkbill »

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.

The latest winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.

3 Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon:
It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that're good for you.

14. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings of common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.
The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj.
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, adj.
Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.
To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n.
Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n.
A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.
A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n.
The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.
A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n.
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n.
The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n.
An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by unkbill »

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."



I KNOW YOU SMILED!
In marriage there is always one person right. And the other one is the husband.
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Post by GORDON »

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the Boy's' legs.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, "Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy protested.

The reporter replied, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for The Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you Like?''

"Well, I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like President Bush," the Boy answered.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began yet again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
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