Kids Say the Darnedest Things

For stuff that is general.
thibodeaux
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Post by thibodeaux »

Abe (telling a ghost story): The kids walked into the old house, which was full of Devil worshippers. The Devil worshippers put the kids on a table and set them on fire.
Wife: That's awful!
Abe: What? They're evil!
GORDON
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Post by GORDON »

Were the devil worshippers also liberal hippies, ala the Manson family?
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thibodeaux
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Post by thibodeaux »

I didn't try to get the backstory. I guess we're going to have to stop letting him listen to Slayer, though.
TheCatt
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Post by TheCatt »

So my eldest (5 yo) was peppering my wife with questions of the Why variety at dinner, and my wife eventually got tired of it. I said I could answer why questions.

Daughter: Why do girls have vaginas and boys have penises?
(Really? The previous 5 questions were about the weather)
Me: Because when they are grownups, they need those to make babies.
Daughter: What if two women wanted to marry each other?
Me: They could figure out a way.
Daughter: What if two women wanted to make a baby.
Me: They can't do that, you need one set of each parts.
Daughter: What if you had two sets of each parts?
Me: Then you might not be sure who the daddy was.
Daughter: What?
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Post by GORDON »

TheCatt wrote:So my eldest (5 yo) was peppering my wife with questions of the Why variety at dinner, and my wife eventually got tired of it. I said I could answer why questions.

Daughter: Why do girls have vaginas and boys have penises?
(Really? The previous 5 questions were about the weather)
Me: Because when they are grownups, they need those to make babies.
I would have said "DNA."
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Post by GORDON »

Wife bugs me to teach our 6-year-old boy how to do subtraction problems. I think a moment, and say:

"You have a spaceship with 7 people on board, and one cat. An alien pops out of one of the people, and kills 5 more. What's left?"

Amid lots of giggling, he says, "One person, and one cat."

I say, "And?" silence. I finish, "And one alien, but good."

"Next subtraction question: You have a squad of 10 Space Marines, and their commander ordered them to take the bullets out of their guns. They walk into a nest of aliens. How many Space Marines are left?"

"Zero?"

"Very good. You understand subtraction just fine."

I am not kidding. I really asked him those question, just now.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
TheCatt
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Post by TheCatt »

lol
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Post by GORDON »

The wife and I have had this verbal thing we have done for the last 20 years.... the usage of the phrase, "your mom's butt" to replace most any noun.

"Where is the thing I am looking for?"
"Probably in your mom's butt."

So obviously the kid has heard us say that a lot.

So today:

Wife: Where should we go to eat?

Me: Doesn't really matter, all the places are in your mom's butt, anyway. If you go to Google Earth you can see your mom's butt without even having to zoom in all that much. It is the only manmade butt visible from space.

Wife: Yeah well your mom's butt is so big that we are inside it right now.


My 7 year old son: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! She said Mimi's butt is really big and it is!

I give him a look.

He stops laughing, looks at me, and says, "Metaphorically speaking, of course."




Edited By GORDON on 1370398169
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TheCatt
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Post by TheCatt »

Give our (belated) birthday wishes to your mom's butt.
It's not me, it's someone else.
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Post by GORDON »

Me: do this thing.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because I said so.

Kid: That's circular logic.
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Post by TheCatt »

I bet he's already started planning his uprising.
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Post by GORDON »

The other day I found a map of europe he drew in his sandbox, and likely invasion routes.
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Post by GORDON »

Kid: "Country music sucks. Except for banjo music. That sounds really good."
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Leisher
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Post by Leisher »

GORDON wrote:Kid: "Country music sucks. Except for banjo music. That sounds really good."
That's not a good sign.
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
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Post by GORDON »

I never even knew he liked the sound of a banjo.

Time to watch Deliverance with him.
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Post by Leisher »

GORDON wrote:I never even knew he liked the sound of a banjo.

Time to watch Deliverance with him.
I would strongly advise against that. If he likes the banjo, he might get mad at Burt Reynolds killing those innocent rednecks just defending their land against Ned Beatty...
“Every record been destroyed or falsified, books rewritten, pictures repainted, statues, street building renamed, every date altered. The process is continuing day by day. History stops. Nothing exists except endless present in which the Party is right.”
Malcolm
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Post by Malcolm »

GORDON wrote:Kid: "Country music sucks. Except for banjo music. That sounds really good."
Nothing wrong with some old skool country. "New country" is to music what O'Doul's is to beer. Johnny Cash did country. Johnny Cash was bad-ass.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
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Post by TPRJones »

Sounds like he might be a potential fan of The Cleverlys.

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Post by GORDON »

That song with the southern accents is pretty funny.
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Post by GORDON »

Watching I, Robot tonight with the wife and kid. Kid is 8.

Will Smith jumps up and starts going to town on some robots. The kid pipes up, "Oh, he's got a machine gun... err, no, it is a SMG."

I was so proud.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
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