Topic: UnkBill jokes.
started by: GORDON
Posted by GORDON on Apr. 05 2007,09:12
Permanent thread for Unk's jokes.Begin.
Posted by TheCatt on Apr. 05 2007,09:45
Unk and a friend were involved in a head-on collision in their car and pickup respectively.Unk leapt from his car and helped his friend from his wrecked vehicle.
"You look terrible" said Unk kindly. "Hold on"
He goes back to his own car, opens the boot and brings out a bottle of scotch. He hands it to his friend who has a small sip.
"Feeling better?" he asks.
"A bit," replied his friend, still looking a bit shaky.
"Have some more!" cries Unk generously. His friend takes the bottle and has another, larger slurp.
"Don't you want any to steady your nerves?" asks his friend concernedly.
"What, with the Police arriving so soon?"
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 05 2007,16:11
Figures. What an honor and not one good joke all day.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 06 2007,12:33
This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lions jersey and carrying a littlewiener dog that also has a Lions jersey on with a little Lions helmet too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the
Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the
game."
The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs in the bar would not be
allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can
have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you
or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty
soon the Lions kick a field goal and the wiener dog jumps up on the bar and
walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 08 2007,10:38
HOSPITAL PHONE CALLAnyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will
enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives
information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is
getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's
name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is
going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 11 2007,17:01
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Do you EVER WONDER....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 11 2007,17:43
HOME DEPOT SCAM!!! PLEASE READ!A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 30-35 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get
in the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into
the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 10th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 16 2007,14:42
For the Republicans here.Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts
screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right
now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says,...."Who is this?"
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 17 2007,07:14
BEER SLOGANS"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields
I’m not an alcoholic. THEY go to meetings.
It’s not a Beer Gut. It’s a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Got Beer?
Beer- the other white meat
Beer Heals All Wounds
Beer kills the weak brain cells. This is why you seem smarter when you drink.
Drink Til I Look Better
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Beer Me.
Need Money For Alcohol Research
Don't Want Me, Yet? Have Another Drink.
I have a lot of influence. I drive under it mostly.
Hey, Princess, bring me a beer!
BEER is technically a vegetarian meal.
Love the Limelight. And the Bud Lite, and the Miller Lite ...
Rolling Drunken Blackouts Likely
Beer, It Does A Belly Good!
Rehab is my Timeout.
I want a Heinie, and it's not beer I'm talking about.
Mary Queen of Scotch
I'm Party Trained!
Beer - It's What's For Breakfast
Too much blood, not enough alcohol.
Beer Depository
God takes care of drunks and babies. Do you know how lucky that is for a drunk baby?
Mr. Sober Here Needs A Drink,
Alcohol Slurvivor
Beer Me!
I am drunkard, beer me roar!
I've been sober way too long.
Beer Makes The Heart Grow Fonder
Sobriety is a curable condition.
Beer Pong Should Be An Olympic Sport
Locked & Loaded (particularly loaded)
I'm not an alcoholic. I can schtop any slime.
Drink 'Til Yer Stoopid
Beer- the cause of and solution to most of life’s problems
Beer- helping white people dance for 5000 years
"Beer- it's not just for breakfast anymore"
"Beer- it's what's for dinner"
"Beer- it does a body good"
What part of beer don’t you understand?
Rehab is for Quitters
My Blood Content is effecting my Alcohol Level
"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"
"Friends don't let friends drink cheap beer"
"Two beers or not two beers"
“Save the Ales”
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 18 2007,08:43
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN: (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is ”Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is ”an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is ”embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 22 2007,06:31
"The Bush administration extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler "During appearances in Denver , John Kerry re-opened the door to running for president in 2008. You know, somebody should really lock that door." --Jay Leno
"Hugh Hefner announced he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Now don't confuse that with Bill ... who likes huge heffers." --Jay Leno
"Things aren't looking good for Republicans. John McCain's campaign is in free fall. Mitt Romney got caught making up those stupid hunting stories. Rudy Giuliani's been married three times. In fact, the Republican candidates are doing so badly, Democrats are gonna have to work extra hard to screw up this next election" --Jay Leno
"John Kerry has said he has not ruled out running for president again. Oh, the voters have ruled it out. ... First, Kerry said he wouldn't run. Now he said he might change his mind. It's nice to know he's consistent on changing his mind." --Jay Leno
"According to the Boston Globe, presidential candidate John Edwards got two $400 haircuts at a Beverly Hills Salon ... and a $225 facial at a place called the Pink Sapphire. The Pink Sapphire? Doesn't that sound like something that shows up on your credit card statement, and you quickly have to explain to the wife?" --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said she doesn't lie awake at night worrying about attacks from her political opponents. But she does lie awake at night wondering where the hell her husband is" --Conan O'Brien
"As far as anyone can remember, no New Jersey governor has ever been in a car crash ... although former Governor McGreevey was frequently rear-ended." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates, say they the will not participate in a presidential debate next month, because the debate is on Fox News and Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you're afraid of Fox News?" --Jay Leno
"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno
"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno
"All of the major Democratic presidential candidates have now pulled out of a presidential debate sponsored by Fox News, because they feel Fox News is biased. Today, Fox denied the claim and said, 'Well, Republicans are going to win anyway.'" --Jay Leno
"CBS News reports that despite the money Obama has raised, Hillary Clinton is not about to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" -Jay Leno
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 23 2007,05:11
Apple computer today reported that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo.This is considered to be a major break-through because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 23 2007,17:30
Old Harold I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 24 2007,17:20
Subject: University StudyA 2007 study by Clemson University found that the Average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found That Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!
Posted by unkbill on May 01 2007,05:28
O.K. Little help here. Seem to have hit a joke draught. Anyone read anything to make one laugh?
Posted by unkbill on May 03 2007,18:24
Here are some tips for investing those big bucks this year. I went over them with my broker at Edward Jones and he and I like these. Pony up on the bucks and get ready to drag some real dollars into your back pocket. These are the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor.Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co.
Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally ....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the
new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
Posted by unkbill on May 03 2007,18:48
Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain ,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the! rectum ?? "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral o f the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!
If you don't send this to at least 1 person no one will give a poop
Posted by unkbill on May 04 2007,18:56
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.The latest winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.
3 Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon:
It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that're good for you.
14. Glibido:
All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings of common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.
The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly, adj.
Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.
To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n.
Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n.
A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n.
A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n.
The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.
A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n.
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n.
The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n.
An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Posted by unkbill on May 06 2007,06:48
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
I KNOW YOU SMILED!
Posted by GORDON on May 08 2007,10:05
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the Boy's' legs.Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, "Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy protested.
The reporter replied, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for The Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you Like?''
"Well, I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like President Bush," the Boy answered.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began yet again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Posted by unkbill on May 09 2007,14:07
Story with a MoralStory with a Moral
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Heck with work. Play golf.
Posted by Leisher on May 11 2007,05:18
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.He is playing a U2 concert in Roundhay Park, Leeds, England when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Yorkshire accent (probably originating from Bradford!) from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence. "Well, fookin stop doin it then!"
Posted by unkbill on May 11 2007,16:47
Recent Late Night jokes…"The Washington, D.C., madam has threatened to release more names of Washington politicians who were her customers. She says another member of the White House will be named very soon. This proves once again that members of the Bush administration don't know when it's time to pull out." --Jay Leno
"Politicians were paying hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars for sex. And I thought ... that's better than spending that kind of money on a haircut." --David Letterman
"President Bush taped a message for American Idol last night. Bush opposes the plan to pull two contestants out. He says it could cause chaos in the region and actually prefers sending more contestants in." --Jimmy Kimmel
"According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina. And today, she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist." --Jay Leno
"President Bush vetoed the Iraq troop withdrawal bill. He said it would turn the country into a cauldron of chaos. And you hate to see Iraq become unstable." --David Letterman
"Last night eight Democratic presidential candidates squared off in the first presidential debate. Did anybody watch it? Nobody watched it. We need to make it like American Idol. Each week we vote another one off." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake ... especially in the back, where they didn't feather enough." --Jay Leno
"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever." --Conan O'Brien
Posted by unkbill on May 12 2007,08:00
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s."May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled ou t the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Chapel Hill, Nouth Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have
family in Chapel Hill, Nouth Carolina ."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Posted by unkbill on May 13 2007,16:11
INTERESTING CHAIN OF EVENTSA Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1: The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to th e ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
Posted by unkbill on May 21 2007,04:11
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Posted by unkbill on May 29 2007,05:50
One guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.The woman looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it.
So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"
Posted by unkbill on May 29 2007,16:51
Fall Classes for Men at THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Aug 30, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Posted by unkbill on May 30 2007,17:01
Three ladies all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the ladies decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 05 2007,16:22
MALE SENSITIVITY TEST 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for.
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 06 2007,04:10
Subject: u'r from MIYou know you live in Michigan if...
1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game.
4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian ... eh!
5. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
6. Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.
7. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
8. It's easy to get VERNORS Ginger Ale, Sanders Hot Fudge sauce and Faygo Pop.
9. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
10. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.
11. You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
12. The movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary.
13. Your little league game was snowed out.
14. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical significance.
15. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.
16. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."
19. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't that far from Hell.
20. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.
21. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.
22. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
23. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
24. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
25. YOU ACTUALLY "GET" THESE JOKES AND FORWARD THEM ON TO ALL YOUR MICHIGAN FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 07 2007,06:08
Bob's Surgery Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.
It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 08 2007,06:13
At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience to be quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....
"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya asshole!"
Gotta Love the Irish.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 11 2007,06:27
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence –
HUSBAND: "shit."
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 12 2007,06:03
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 15 2007,06:52
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...uphill BOTH ways .. yadda yadda yaddaAnd I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's, Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that'<SPAN id="">s</SPAN> it! And we didn't
have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony,Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atarià 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder
and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That' is exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards, The over 30 Crowd
Posted by TPRJones on Jun. 15 2007,07:18
I'm 36, and when I was 10 I was sending email and using the internet (at the time called BBSes and ARPANET and usenet) and playing some pretty darn good games on my C64.Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Posted by Paul on Jun. 15 2007,07:29
My daughter (4) doesn't understand that you can't pause or rewind every TV, or pull up various episodes of Dora the Explorer.Of course, I keep finding myself trying to rewind radio. There's needs to be a Tivo for radio!
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 15 2007,07:50
(TPRJones @ Jun. 15 2007,07:18)
QUOTE
I'm 36, and when I was 10 I was sending email and using the internet (at the time called BBSes and ARPANET and usenet) and playing some pretty darn good games on my C64.
Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Your rigth. But you have to remember I'm 46 and from the stone-age. I didn't have my first computer on-line til 9 years ago. And that did nothing for me but get me married 7 years ago. The internet is a dangerous place.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 20 2007,05:54
Today is International Disturbed People's DayPlease send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally PEE yourself...
you hang in there Sunshine, you're frigging special.
Posted by TheCatt on Jun. 20 2007,06:31
(TPRJones @ Jun. 15 2007,10:18)
QUOTE
I'm 36, and when I was 10 I was sending email and using the internet (at the time called BBSes and ARPANET and usenet) and playing some pretty darn good games on my C64.
Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Yeah, I did my first Internet in 1986.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 23 2007,15:34
Straight from the newspaper National Post. I read in Windsor Saturday morning.Nutritious food has inmates reluctant to leave, criminals eager to be sent to Indian Prison.
Inmates at a prison in southern India are eating so well many are reluctant to leave, while others convicted criminals are trying to move in. The Parappana Agrahara prison in Bangalore is crowded with 4,700 inmates, more than twice its capacity, because small time criminals are refusing to apply for bail, The Bangaloremirror reports. Juvenile offenders are also overstating thier age to get in as adults. The reason is the healthy food served by the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. The Hindu evangelical group started serving its vegetarian fare in the jail last month under contract to the government. "When we are getting tasty, nutrititous food three times a day here, why should we go out and commit crimes?" said inmate Raja Reddy, who has been arrested 20 times in 30 years for theft, robbery and burglary.
I find it comical sometimes when people think they are doing a good thing and how bad it can go.
Posted by GORDON on Jun. 26 2007,14:42
(TheCatt @ Jun. 20 2007,09:31)
QUOTE
(TPRJones @ Jun. 15 2007,10:18)
QUOTE
I'm 36, and when I was 10 I was sending email and using the internet (at the time called BBSes and ARPANET and usenet) and playing some pretty darn good games on my C64.
Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Better change that to "Regards, The over 40 Crowd"
Yeah, I did my first Internet in 1986.
I believe I dialed up a BBS ONCE on my C64, and that would have been....... 1986 or 7. I think. I don't think I was driving yet, and I got my license in '87.
But I didn't know what to do with it, as nobody in my peer group.,.. or probably no one within my entire school... was doing that stuff. So I had no one to help me figure it out.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 26 2007,15:14
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work; and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 28 2007,04:33
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any ! drug store.
The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. !
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Posted by Paul on Jul. 06 2007,06:09
WOMAN'S POEMBefore I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 06 2007,08:57
Bravo! I've been in a good joke drought. Good job.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 08 2007,12:02
A Fairy TaleOne day, long, long ago there was this man who surprisingly, was not full of shit........
But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day!
The End
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 10 2007,09:25
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. "
The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says
"That's a Gimme."
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 10 2007,17:26
Dear Abby,I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signals, the phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 16 2007,16:43
The Photo on the Night StandAfter a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
Man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 20 2007,10:31
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver."You know" he said,
"I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law...
But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 23 2007,16:49
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out anddepressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner
is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, '
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 25 2007,03:46
I dialed a number and got the following recording:"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 27 2007,05:22
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Use ful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates didn't find out that Plato was banging his wife.
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 02 2007,06:46
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't even get you through intimacy".
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past seventy years old and I don't even think about intimacy anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes".
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 10 2007,17:20
Maybe not so jokey as hokey. Anyone see any mistruths?"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, (Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television)
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." - - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year" -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," --
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics , Yale University - 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France
"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over
Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon to Queen Victoria 1873
And last but not least...
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"A computer to do artwork? Ridiculous! Computers will never be capable of reproducing the pencil, pen, air brush, felt marker, art brush or the artists hand work." -- Joe Del Casino, Director of creative design for two of the countries leading Packaging Companies., to his brother Mike 1965
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 17 2007,17:56
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that the two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered."
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 23 2007,10:57
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at K-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time.
But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 25 2007,17:29
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a new born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital!. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 29 2007,16:49
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiledas he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought
about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked
"That's a Daddy Long-legs," her father answered.
"Well, is the other one a Mommy Long-legs?
As his heart soared wit h the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy
long-legs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, Then
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having
any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 29 2007,16:52
Today local police found a man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Wiener. I am just checking to make sure that you are okay
Posted by TPRJones on Sep. 03 2007,16:00
Let X = set theorists.Let Y = act of screwing in a lighbulb.
How many X does it take to Y?
Let P = set of things incongruous to Y.
Let Q = set of things humorously appropriate to X.
N. One to do Y, N - 1 to do Z, where Z ∈ {P ∪ Q}.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 04 2007,12:27
Four Worms and a lesson____ A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a cont! ainer of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm ! in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 06 2007,16:14
Subject: FOOTBALL SEASON!Now that football season is upon us, it's a good time to get in the mood by reading these quotations from well known football personalities!
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life." Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas...When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy Daugherty/ Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking." John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football" John Heisman
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 13 2007,16:18
How many battierys does it take to kill a Wolverine?Just one AA
Did you hear Michigan has a new coach from China?
Win Won Soon
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 15 2007,02:24
Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 16 2007,18:14
Welfare CheckA guy walks into the local welfare office, marches up to the counter and says. "Hi.. I'm here to pick up my monthly check." He adds: " You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.
The guy wide-eyed, says "You're Bullshitting me!
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well.......You started it."
Posted by Paul on Sep. 17 2007,13:17
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 17 2007,16:29
Paul made a good funny.And know first a good pickup line then.........
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 17 2007,16:34
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is...it really does work.1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily see the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See...it really does work...you're smiling already.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 17 2007,18:05
A trifecta todayDear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond! me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the reason for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 22 2007,14:11
THIS EXPLAINS THE ORIGIN OF WHY MEN STARTED WEARING EARRINGS.A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"So," he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the co-worker replies peevishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
Posted by TPRJones on Sep. 24 2007,09:46
It's in image form, but I think it fits the spirit of this thread:< http://excds.ath.cx/fun/images/kmartvz5.jpg >
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 24 2007,13:55
Funny,Thanks TPR. I seem to be in another joke draught.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 25 2007,15:07
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. " Tie me up, " she purred, " and you can do anything you want. " So he tied her up and went golfing. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
" Can you read this? " the optician asked.
" Read it? " the Polish guy replied, " I know the guy. "
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
" I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. "
" Thank God, " said an elderly nun at the back. " I'm so tired of chardonnay. "
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
" Careful, " he said, " CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! "
The wife stared at him. " What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? "
The husband calmly replied, " I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. "
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 25 2007,15:39
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him."My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 28 2007,11:04
"FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK" NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."
NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
(Raising your head slowly) "... In Jesus' name, Amen."
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 30 2007,17:27
Subject: Chinese VirginNow for a change a pace, a Chinese joke...
Chinese Virgin
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?"
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 01 2007,16:13
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on thevestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Ohio, upon entering a church in Columbus, Ohio, .... behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call, Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Ohio now ...... You're in God's Country, It's a local call."
American by Birth - A Buckeye by the Grace of God.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 08 2007,18:25
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend today. It's been years since I have seen her. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' 'Wow!' I said. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the 'energy' I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd 'rise' to the challenge.. 'Yeah,' I said. 'just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone ..... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed, and I am developing jowls like a great Dane.!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was
sure I would still be a great lover. 'Anyway', she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to fuck off.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 09 2007,15:20
Want some soup???A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place,"and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoo in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Posted by TheCatt on Oct. 09 2007,15:54
I used to get that email at least once a month when I worked at Andersen Consulting.The amazing thing is that it still references AC, since they've been Accenture since January 1, 2001.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 10 2007,14:00
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into K-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The K-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to K-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K-Mart."
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 10 2007,14:24
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... some asshole's got my pen.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 12 2007,09:16
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Posted by Mommy Dearest on Oct. 12 2007,18:17
(unkbill @ Oct. 10 2007,17:24)
QUOTE
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... some asshole's got my pen.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... some asshole's got my pen.
I almost peed my pants
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 14 2007,07:32
New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 22 2007,15:34
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 23 2007,10:05
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Did you know..Captain Hook died from jock itch.
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 25 2007,07:13
One Saturday morning, I got up early, dressed, quietly slipped quietly into the garage to put my golf clubs into the trunk, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with rain, and the wind was howling at about 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There, I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of over 30 years replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there golfing in that shit?"
I still don't know if she was joking .......
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 25 2007,07:25
The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 29 2007,09:54
DoctorsWhen a panel of doctors was asked to vote On adding a new wing to their hospital,
The Allergists voted to scratch it and The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, But the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, And the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body",
While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, The Radiologists could see right through it, And the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, And the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, But the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas And the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to Some asshole in administration.
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 08 2007,21:26
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the manopposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.The judge asked the ma(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I
could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 09 2007,17:55
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.. Watch!"
Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 12 2007,05:00
MY FIRST CONDOMI recall my first time with a condom, I was 15 or so. I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty.
She said, 'Just a minute,' and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, 'Do these excite you?' Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
'Well, come on,' she insisted, 'we don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back, and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'
I replied, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Posted by TPRJones on Nov. 14 2007,17:14
A man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.He told the loan officer that he was going to Philippines on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
Then the man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.The bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the guy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there.Two weeks later, the guy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000″.
The millionaire replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return”
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 20 2007,14:27
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let himkeep her.
- Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
- Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
- Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
- Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 02 2007,16:58
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania and Texas
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!!!
Any Questions
NO? I didn't Think So.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 02 2007,17:28
This last week I ride to the local gas station with a redneck buddy of mine. He has a bumper sticker on the back of the pickup. It is a cat with a crosshair on it with 1000 comfirmed kills written beside it. On older hippish women pulls up behind him for gas. She reads the sticker looks him in the eye and tells him"THAT JUST ISN'T RIGHT" He walks to the back of the truck. Looks and says. "Your right, It's 1005"
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 04 2007,15:22
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions, Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, but teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 04 2007,15:30
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herbs pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 05 2007,15:58
There will be no nativity scene in the United States Congress, this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 06 2007,04:16
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 07 2007,08:44
A mortician was working late one night.He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 18 2007,14:29
Medical Alert - Contagious VirusThe Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Re-booter (BEER). Take the antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 19 2007,16:09
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too"
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door..
"OLD" IS WHEN .... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND "OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 20 2007,03:43
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES: USE BIRTH CONTROL
Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people makeup 75% of the population
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 21 2007,04:58
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIREDDETOUR OFF THEINFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLYREPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COSTPROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.He does not have a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2.?He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLYCAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVEDESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLEREGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$$" - He develops acase ofRECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of hispants - It's "REARCLEAVAGE."
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 22 2007,13:25
Georgia: The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
***************************************************************
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
***************************************************************
Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
**************************************************************
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
**************************************************************
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
**************************************************************
Arkansas:
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded
to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
**************************************************************
And my favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 23 2007,07:06
What can Brown do for you.One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.
Bob,in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 31 2007,09:36
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh,nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A Wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said, "the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could fly."
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 03 2008,03:26
Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate: Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess
With an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scotch whisky,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Indonesian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian trucks-drivers, shipped by the chinese shipping company unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 04 2008,04:44
Subject: Man of the HouseThe husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage
my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."....
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 06 2008,07:58
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 06 2008,08:05
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 11 2008,10:15
Men Quotes Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 17 2008,08:48
Southen-isms\ Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say ,"Bless her heart" ...
and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now, Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 17 2008,08:50
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Have a nice day.....
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 20 2008,10:26
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars!"
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign . . .
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 20 2008,17:54
QuotesA girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
-- Robert Paul
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-- Joey Adams
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'
-- Mark Klein
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
-- Benny Hill
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-- Les Dawson
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
-- Edgar Watson Howe
You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
-- Norman Mailer
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 21 2008,06:00
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 22 2008,16:55
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 23 2008,12:17
W.C. Fields Quotes(1880 - 1946) - American comedian actor.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 02 2008,14:42
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter'
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 08 2008,17:03
Three points to ponder 1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
____
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 09 2008,15:32
Mary Clancy ges up to Fath er O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 09 2008,15:45
Thee Nun In Hooters A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in awhile "the lights would turn off. "Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.""Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just longenough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand? Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 09 2008,15:49
A 4-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 17 2008,11:29
A learning experience..Names have been removed to protect the stupid !
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, whe n a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice a s strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
Posted by unkbill on May 11 2008,15:51
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....Scared the *SHIT* out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Posted by unkbill on May 13 2008,18:15
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies...once..
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.'
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
Posted by unkbill on May 13 2008,18:44
Subject: Did you know?Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, As Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
Posted by unkbill on May 14 2008,09:01
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and flatulate if you are performing brain surgery.
(but they certainly do afterwards. Well, maybe not the hotdog part)
Posted by unkbill on May 18 2008,17:58
A Mennonite farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Mennonite farmer shouts:'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means:'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.') The kneeling man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.' The Mennonite farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
Posted by unkbill on May 26 2008,15:51
Drafting Guys Over 60----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ... er .. One.'
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners.
We won't take any.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it!!!!
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 04 2008,06:25
Cluck..Cluck Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph..' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home..
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?''Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 04 2008,18:24
PAINTING STOLENA thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre?
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 17 2008,08:24
"JUST A TAP!!"A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 18 2008,09:15
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVESI am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 19 2008,04:08
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.?? A penny saved is a governmentoversight.? The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.?
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.??
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement?.
He who hesitates is probably right.?
Did you ever notice:?The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.??
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.??
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.?
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt??.
Did you ever notice:?When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
?Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.?
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.? ?
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.? It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.? Today, it's called golf. ?
Lord,? Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!! ?
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 24 2008,15:44
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now"
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 27 2008,15:49
Inner Strength If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 01 2008,08:43
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" ? The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! ?Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. ? Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. ? We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. ?As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 03 2008,04:15
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained . . .
'The egg timer is broken.'
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 03 2008,07:27
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or, If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you???'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8 You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but, not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a Challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 05 2008,13:40
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 09 2008,15:58
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 09 2008,16:05
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?'
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to do.'
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 17 2008,16:02
SERVICE I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word "service":
Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
T.V. "Service"
Civil "Service"
City and County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
Cable Man Service
This is not what I thought "service" meant. But today, I overheard two ranchers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 22 2008,09:02
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.'
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 23 2008,07:58
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 27 2008,08:27
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions...
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
QYou've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning .
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 20 2008,09:00
Guts vs BallsGuts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - =2 0 Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 26 2008,17:16
Quote for the day: "Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her crap, you'll get a bucket load of shit back!!!"
Amen!
Posted by smh6921 on Aug. 30 2008,08:29
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 02 2008,04:41
::: BREAKING NEWS ::: In 2009 the government will start killing all the mentally ill people. I started crying when I thought of you.
Run, little friend, run!
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can t race your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 09 2008,10:21
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little ... ~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: ' Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. '
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fuckin' think so.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 28 2008,08:07
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure
5'5-1/2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall
and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
(What a b*tch)
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 30 2008,15:30
Pastor's Business CardA new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your
voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 08 2008,05:54
Hands and KneesWalking into the bar, Richard said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Rich ard replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charlie. 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit!'
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 08 2008,05:58
The Good Husband Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,... the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table w/a single rose.
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'What happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table.?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239 .99
Hot Breakfast $4. 20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
Posted by TheCatt on Oct. 10 2008,11:48
Overheard on the trading floor....What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
Posted by Mommy Dearest on Oct. 10 2008,21:34
(TheCatt @ Oct. 10 2008,12:48)
QUOTE
Overheard on the trading floor....
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
Catt you hurting that bad? Sorry I am all about real estate and thank the lord nothing is for sale
Posted by Malcolm on Oct. 10 2008,23:56
Shit, I might be able to sell my soul again before houses start selling.
Posted by TheCatt on Oct. 11 2008,04:12
(Mommy Dearest @ Oct. 11 2008,00:34)
QUOTE
(TheCatt @ Oct. 10 2008,12:48)
QUOTE
Overheard on the trading floor....
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street trader?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets, but I still have my wife."
Catt you hurting that bad? Sorry I am all about real estate and thank the lord nothing is for sale
Well, we've lost a fair amount, since most of our retirement stuff/529 plans/etc are in equities.
But... those were things I overheard yesterday, not things I said.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 14 2008,07:17
I love short but easily understood radio transmissions. Here's a classic radio transcript!
In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
A friend of mine just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF emergency frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar:
"Unknown aircraft at(location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace.
Identify yourself."
Aircraft:
"This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Radar:
"You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we
will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft:
"This is a United States Navy FA-18 Super Hornet. Send 'em up!"
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 23 2008,09:34
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... but that's not the worst of it.My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewall s are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 26 2008,17:19
Monkey BubleOnce upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became solittle that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $100! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $50 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $100.'
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
(Punch line tomorrow or make up one yourself)
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 29 2008,09:23
A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita , Kansas , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more -"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.There's an annual salary y of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston , Texas . That's about 616 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now”
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 12 2008,05:50
The dirty wash! A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees the neighbor hang up the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs another laundry soap.
The husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would make the same comment.
About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, 'Look! she has learned how to wash correctly.' I wonder who taught her this?
Her husband said, 'I got up early this morning and washed the windows.'
And so it is with life: What we see while watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look .
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 19 2008,07:48
Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 23 2008,06:20
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICESBoy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week. And finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 28 2008,06:34
A heartwarming story. A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 11 2008,11:03
You know you're a redneck when......? 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog..
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal*Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 12 2008,06:45
Geography Lesson Between birth and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, With a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 12 2008,10:23
TO: GODFROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .....
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 14 2008,06:58
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns
around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting.....
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 18 2008,06:39
The Creation of Ohio Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven ,
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet ," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that?
"Ah," said God. "That's Ohio ,the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan , Indiana ,
West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Kentucky !
GO BUCKEYES
Posted by Alhazad on Dec. 20 2008,20:25
(unkbill @ Dec. 12 2008,06:45)
QUOTE
Geography Lesson
CODE
<@MORA> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
<@MORA> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
<@MORA> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
<@MORA> Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
<@MORA> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
<@MORA> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.
<@MORA> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
<@MORA> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
<@MORA> After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
<@MORA> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
<@MORA> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
<@MORA> Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
<@MORA> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
<@MORA> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.
<@MORA> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
<@MORA> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
<@MORA> After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 04 2009,06:33
A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it. ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from.'
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 10 2009,09:41
Detroit Lions 2009 scheduleSeptember
13................. Taft Junior High School
20................Cub Scout Troop #101
27................. Detroit Blind Academy
October
04.................Spanish American War Vets
11................Crippled Children's Home
18................ Eloise Mental Hospital
25................Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
01.................. Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic
08.................Fraser Boys Choir
15.................Korean Amputees
22......... National Hospital Pastorial Ministers
26............... Great Lakes Sychronized Swimming Team
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 08.................. Grand Rapids Gay Boys Club
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Lions must not disconnect knee braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy , the Lions must not hide the football under their jerseys.
** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line. For all you Lions fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Lions will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime.
4 - The Lions will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 - The Lions will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.
** NAME CHANGE **
The Detroit Lions will be changed to the Detroit Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.
** COACHING CHANGES **
Field goal kicker will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky.She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 11 2009,07:56
NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the
government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Chicago's South Side were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of
dollars worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management
team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However Gordon got
more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced
crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12
seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and
sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some
photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
Chicago's Democratic Party officials stated they always knew Chicago's
South Sider's had unused skills other than political corruption and
mayhem. However, they refused to identify which school ran by Arnie
Duncan and Mayor Daley provided such intensive job skills training.
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 20 2009,20:14
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever # 4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever # 6
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Stress Reliever # 7
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Stress Reliever # 8
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
.
_
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 20 2009,20:22
SMART ASS ANSWER #6>
> It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
> flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
>
> 'What are my choices?' John asked.
>
> 'Yes or no,' she replied.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
> tickets.
>
> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
> opened his trench coat and flashed her.
>
> Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
> your stub.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #4
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
> she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
>
> She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
>
> The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #3
>
> The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
> speeding rolled down his window.
>
> 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
>
> The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
>
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
> without a ticket.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #2
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
> that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right
> in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up
> for miles.
>
> Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
> to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck,
> huh?'
>
> The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out
> of gas.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
> class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
> might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
> or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
> whatsoever!'
>
> A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
> 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
> and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter
> and snickering..
>
> When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
> student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to
> write the exam with your other hand.'
>
>
>
> A BONUS EXTRA
>
> A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
> happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
> look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
>
>
> V/R
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 20 2009,20:37
The Irishman In ConfessionA married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
Th e Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 20 2009,21:06
Gates vs. GMFor all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'
warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with those who love - but sometimes hate - their
computer!
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 27 2009,18:34
Wise Old Jewish ManA female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.
What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 01 2009,20:17
Dot"The Dot"SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP:For centuries, Hindu women
have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada or the US. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 02 2009,19:34
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. "No way!! No needles!! I hate needles," the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill."No objection", says the patient, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Great - Here's a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth!!!"
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 02 2009,19:44
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few
cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 06 2009,22:22
Body StatisticsIt takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 14 2009,12:44
Just before the funeral services, the undertakercame up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hipreplacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, andperspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 15 2009,17:13
Iraqi Hockey PlayerThe Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and i suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .
Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.
Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star...
When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such great time."
The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry? You're Sorry?!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 16 2009,19:55
New Home Depot Scam This happened to me.A big 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot or Lowes customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Back in November, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into the back
of your SUV or Truck. They both have battery powered car vacuums and start vacuuming the inside of your vehicle, cleaning the inside of your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their coats.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds or the closest fast food restaurant. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, breasts everywhere, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on January 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for $1.99 each
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 17 2009,18:38
A Total Golf NutEd and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. he was convinced that it was true love. So on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut" Ed said to his new found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded saying, "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker!"
"I see", Ed replied. "That's a problem, for sure!"
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off!"
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 18 2009,20:13
10 BEST GOLF CADDY REPLIES#10 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
CADDY: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
CADDY: "Try heaven, you've already moved the earth."
#8 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Do you think my game is improving?"
CADDY: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
CADDY: "Eventually."
#6 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
CADDY: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
CADDY: "It's not a watch sir, it's a compass."
#4 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "How do you like my game?"
CADDY: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
CADDY: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "This is the worst course I've ever played on"
CADDY: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
GOLFER: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
CADDY: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 19 2009,19:09
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDGeorge Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said, "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!." George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 21 2009,10:12
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 23 2009,18:56
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.ATT00000.gif
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 28 2009,22:41
The Italian Nursing Home*A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. *
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,
says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents.
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's
85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls
him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's
95 years old. He hasn't been
on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a
tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The Fucking Mexican'
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 11 2009,19:28
In honor of the mother of the octupletsDenny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the Octo-Slam,
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to
pay the bill.
Posted by Mommy Dearest on Mar. 11 2009,19:52
(unkbill @ Mar. 11 2009,22:28)
QUOTE
In honor of the mother of the octuplets
Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the Octo-Slam,
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to
pay the bill.
Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the Octo-Slam,
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to
pay the bill.
lol
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 17 2009,19:13
The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns , American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden . She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters .
What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 18 2009,19:03
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching hisnuts,over and over, something she just seemed to love to do.As he was enjoying it, 30 minutes later he turned and asked her, 'Whydoyou love doing that?''Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'...Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 19 2009,19:59
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there sunshine.......
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 23 2009,20:46
Subject: FW: The Funeral ProcessionA woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened
to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
"MOST PEOPLE DON'T PLAN TO FAIL, THEY FAIL TO PLAN"
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 28 2009,19:46
The Dead Cow and Vet SchoolFirst-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Have a great day - I wouldn't eat right away if I were you.....
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 11 2009,07:35
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em inside the house.
Better wait outside.
Cooter
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 17 2009,07:53
Do you know what happened back in 1850, 159 years ago?California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish..
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 18 2009,06:11
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community is sending food and money.
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God bless America !!!!
Posted by GORDON on Apr. 18 2009,06:16
GOnna throw in an old Smother Brother joke:"You know, they say that you can judge how rich someone is by how many clothes they have on. Poor people have less money, so they have less clothes on.
So who is running the government?
The more-ons."
Rimshot.
Posted by Malcolm on Apr. 18 2009,09:33
The Smothers Brothers.
Posted by GORDON on Apr. 18 2009,09:48
I'd bet money I was memorizing their comedy albums before you were born.
Posted by Malcolm on Apr. 18 2009,12:40
(GORDON @ Apr. 18 2009,11:48)
QUOTE
I'd bet money I was memorizing their comedy albums before you were born.
Minus the front cover?
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 23 2009,07:02
The Quote of the day "Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 24 2009,06:19
GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."
Guy says: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a five! Now get lost!
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 25 2009,15:55
BUBBA HAS A QUESTIONDown south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.' 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin...
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
Posted by GORDON on May 22 2009,14:59
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.""I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
Posted by unkbill on May 24 2009,09:19
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
...............................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 08 2009,16:59
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had another wee glass and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 02 2009,06:09
RENAULT & FORD TO MERGERenault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis
for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus.
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 02 2009,08:25
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tabl es, horseshoe courts,
and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 02 2009,11:18
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:"Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker .. "
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Posted by GORDON on Jul. 02 2009,13:20
I'll have to remember the "Hawaiian good luck sign."
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 07 2009,08:04
The Navy Invented SexA Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 09 2009,09:12
Man walks into a bar cupping his hands that are full of shit. He looks at everyone and says "Can you believe it I almost stepped in this!"Three blonds walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
Discrimination roars its ugly head again.
Sign in bar.
Men- No Shirt No service!
Woman- No shirt Free Drinks!
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P...E...N....I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 10 2009,07:48
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph . The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 12 2009,11:30
WHAT IS A PONDERISM?I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 15 2009,08:17
His practice has no room for new patients! Now, he is a medical wizard!I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the�middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 15 2009,17:37
A guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.Then the priest comes in.
The man says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're sitting on my side."
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 27 2009,08:42
Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 28 2009,06:59
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat pork packed in a can because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just "spam"!Rumble in the sky.
If you hear a rumble in the sky tonight don't worry it isn't a thunderstorm. It is Elvis beating the hell out of Micheal Jackson for marrying his daughter.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 28 2009,16:28
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINOAn attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 29 2009,07:01
The wit of Rodney Dangerfield.....My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I knew a girl so ugly.... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
LAST ONE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't’ve had anything to play with.
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 19 2009,05:56
On his 66th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed the ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Encouraged, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Very eager to see if it worked he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 21 2009,07:41
Baby's First Doctor VisitA woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 22 2009,07:53
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?""Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of Candles.
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, then he went on, in his obnoxious way: "You purchase a lot of biscuits, what do you do with all the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of Holy
biscuits".
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year.they send us a complete dick."
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 30 2009,09:31
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home."Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 02 2009,09:03
Today be my baby girl 18th Birthday.I be so glad that dis be my last child support Payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, And when she get here, I Say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
And Tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
And I want you to Come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face."
So, my baby girl take The check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout The 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
"Now What yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .
And watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 02 2009,09:04
Today be my baby girl 18th Birthday.I be so glad that dis be my last child support Payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, And when she get here, I Say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house
And Tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, And I want you to Come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face." So, my baby girl take The check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout The 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
"Now What yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .
And watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 07 2009,14:05
Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Thursday September 3, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM ..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures a nd Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day . .. ... and to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor .. . ..
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 21 2009,16:05
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 28 2009,16:17
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 28 2009,16:19
I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
Posted by Alhazad on Oct. 01 2009,17:35
(unkbill @ Sep. 28 2009,16:17)
QUOTE
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
I laughed out loud.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 02 2009,13:06
In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived t he fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?
The fire chief said, "They were at work."
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 03 2009,05:20
A guy from Ohio dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from Ohio is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The guy from Ohio , with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Ohio . Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Ohio . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.
Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing into his eyes, the guy from Ohio is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
The guy from Ohio replies, "This is great! Just like April in Ohio . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Ohio suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Ohio unhappy, the devil checks in on him.
He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from Ohio is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.
Jumping up and down, the guy from Ohio throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Browns won the Super Bowl. "
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 10 2009,11:29
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
He got an A.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 18 2009,18:14
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women... Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 22 2009,05:02
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over aplate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers
pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And
they start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be
24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other
mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so
sad dear' says the other. And this is my second son Kalid. He would be
21' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly
hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh,
gracious me ...' Says the other. 'And this is my third son. My baby.
My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the
friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause
and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the
photographs and says... 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 26 2009,16:48
Happy Holloween< http://terrisfp.com/hallo1/ghost1.swf >
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 29 2009,04:35
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
--------------------------------
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust"
And that's how the fight started..
--------------------------------
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started.
--------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started.
--------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 05 2009,07:02
Why is it when your wife gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations", but nobody rubs your dick and says, "Good Job"?
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 05 2009,07:27
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, Hussein, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Hussein's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, Hussein had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Hussein, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Hussein the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Hussein was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible.
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 07 2009,15:36
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care?" and he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?"
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 27 2009,15:13
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?A crazy bitch who will find you
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 07 2009,06:41
It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 08 2009,03:50
You knew they were coming....What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal?
They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
Why does Tiger Woods prefer driving a golf club more than his Cadillac Escalade?
Because he can drive the golf club over 400 yards without hitting a tree.
It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 09 2009,09:08
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, '99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One ......................Two.................................................Three'.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 10 2009,06:41
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye..
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.
Posted by TheCatt on Dec. 10 2009,09:26
To be fair to Tiger, he did tell his wife he was going to go out and do 9 holes.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 11 2009,16:29
Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 12 2009,06:07
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father..'
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 19 2009,15:43
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN ... Who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, And if he is chuckling and laughing away, While flying around in a miniature sleigh, With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
Then let's face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!
Merry Christmas and a Happy 2O1O
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 20 2009,07:32
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the houseTiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse…
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year…
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 21 2009,08:53
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 21 2009,18:13
The Female GenieWhile trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a
bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose
from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one
wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving
me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of
the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three
American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off
with you.
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His dick was gone, his
knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 23 2009,08:14
Things that are DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1 Specificity
2.. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1 No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, I’m done drinking for the night !
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't.... No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool !
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now. I have to work in the morning.
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 01 2010,06:27
NicodermTwo priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 08 2010,06:22
When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 12 2010,12:25
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he
whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Well, Yes Sir , I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well,
wash your hands real fucking good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger."
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 20 2010,16:16
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010 Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you push them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, but a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2010
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 22 2010,17:42
Man Killed On Golf Course:A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 31 2010,06:15
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 04 2010,06:41
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 07 2010,13:54
Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days.................... "When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.Too many damm security cameras."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 27 2010,09:49
The Preacher's SonAn old country preacher.......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible.....?
2. A silver dollar.....?
3. A bottle of whisky.....?
4. And a Playboy magazine.....?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 02 2010,16:04
A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has the licker license!'
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 12 2010,04:33
I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. I now understand what all those
agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 27 2010,06:57
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm FINALLY at this level, and can really feel/see the difference.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Posted by Leisher on Mar. 29 2010,08:02
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, instructing them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'Are you a in the 5th grade?'
'No, ma'am', he replied,'I'm actually a jockey and I am riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate all of your help.'
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 07 2010,15:57
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.........
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck!"
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 08 2010,06:10
A husband, married 57 years, says to his wife, 'You never argue anymore when I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?'
'I just clean the toilet,' she replies.
'WHAT?? Clean the toilet! How does THAT help?' he asks.
'I use YOUR toothbrush!'
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 27 2010,07:08
Politically incorrectA Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. .
"Yes?", asks St. Peter . .
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
Posted by unkbill on Apr. 29 2010,04:20
How I learned to mind my own businessI was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
I could hear a lot of the patients shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Posted by unkbill on May 03 2010,06:16
Copper wire:After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion,that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Ohio reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Nelsonville, OH, Bubba Brewski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless".
Buckeyes are such a proud bunch.
Posted by Leisher on May 06 2010,06:54
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
Posted by unkbill on May 07 2010,07:13
Things I Learned in the SouthA possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no ones seen before.
If it grows, itll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Jaw-P? means Did yall go to the bathroom?
People actually grow and eat okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means Im fixing to do that.
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?
You dont have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until youre done or its too dark to see.
You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
No, Jew? is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer?
You measure distance in minutes.
You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You know what a DAWG is.
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys,Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.
You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
Posted by unkbill on May 10 2010,09:21
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead or just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Posted by Leisher on May 17 2010,06:11
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Posted by unkbill on May 18 2010,07:18
Bible and a HaircutA young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you.
You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad,I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
And his father replied, "Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 06 2010,07:39
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 09 2010,16:10
Women Are Evil By Nature...A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 23 2010,15:03
Watching last comic standing Tuesday. Joke pegged a bar owner here.(Not MD) To black guys walk into a bar. The bartender tells them he doesn't serve there kind here. They start to leave. One looks at the other and says. "How did he know we are Jewish" Made me laugh and think. Made me think and laugh. That is the best kind of joke.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 23 2010,15:10
Attn: Beneficiary,In regards to your fund transfer, we the entire members of the Federal House of Senate have approved the above documents in your name to enable us conclude this final stage of your transfer before the 23st June, 2010. Contact: Senator Kenneth Amoru,Payment Director Senate,Federal Republic of Nigeria .DIRECT PHONE: +234-8030-411-584 EMAIL: senateoff-ng@hotmail.com
Now that is fuckin funny. Anyone loosing money to this guy deserves it.
Posted by unkbill on Jun. 23 2010,16:00
Editorial today's paper. Pertains to Ohio's court decision to allow cops to be able to judge a cars speed and issue a ticket without a radar gun.Editorial goes." Minor and Major league teams are feeling the pinch of economics. They could save thousands of dollars by employing off duty Ohio police officers and removing the radar guns at the stadiums. Just have the officer stand behind the umpires and sound off how fast the pitch is coming in."
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 10 2010,16:10
The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills (& Winter Park) fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 16 2010,20:04
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Posted by unkbill on Jul. 20 2010,05:26
During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyNew York"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
Posted by GORDON on Jul. 20 2010,05:55
Ha that's funnier because it isn't a capital.
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 04 2010,18:31
Anima Right SandwichServes 1
Prep time: 5 min.
Ingrediants:
2 rabbits
2 Squirrels
2 Artichokes
1 Head of lettuce
Bread
Butter
Let the rabbits and squirrels go. Don't cut the heart out of the artichokes because it has rights just like humans. Leave the lettuce alone. You can butter the bread and eat that.
Hunting Camp Tales
North American Hunting Club
Posted by Leisher on Sep. 14 2010,07:24
A blond & her husband are lying in bedListening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a
Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down
house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull
out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ' Why
are you Throwing those nails away?'
**Lynn** explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip Of her index finger shot off.
How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by
shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting
myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before
I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a
really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so
the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner
saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard
& all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees
& started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened..
So she blew a little harder & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop
out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up &
took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So
she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'
+++++++++++++
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home
for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off
it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple
of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde
came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on
my eyes."
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 20 2010,05:13
Syllesses by paraproskodians.Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning,creating a syllepsis.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 27 2010,16:01
Interesting piece of history.In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Posted by Leisher on Sep. 28 2010,12:12
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
_
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
_
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started...
_
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
_
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
_
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 28 2010,14:14
Thats funny. Thanks for the help. I am in a dry period for funny for some reason. That made me laugh. Good.
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 04 2010,22:29
The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas . For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A.The Dallas Cowboys
Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A.Put up a goal post.
Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 24 2010,15:52
At dawn the telephone rings..."Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit..."
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 24 2010,16:15
The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.Are you OK?
Posted by unkbill on Nov. 25 2010,09:25
12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird!Salmonella won't be a concern.
Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
No one will overeat.
The smoke alarm was due for a test.
Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Posted by Leisher on Dec. 10 2010,06:14
A plane is on it's way to Toronto, when a blond in the economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.She then tells the blond that she paid for economy class and she will have to sit in the back.
The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot he probably should have the police waiting to arrest the blond when they land.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blond? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blond. I speak blond."
He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear. She says, "Oh, I'm sorry." and returns to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move.
I told her, "First class isn't going to Toronto."
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 20 2010,10:56
The "Bacon Tree" Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I tink."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Et ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in de desert don forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within about 5 feet , Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe.. go back man, you was right, ees no bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it den? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush....
Posted by unkbill on Dec. 23 2010,17:23
2011 ContractAfter serious & cautious consideration... Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011
It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2011
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words .............
May 2011 be the best year of your life!!!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 30 2011,14:07
A woman goes to the doctor with severe bruises and lacerations....Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 02 2011,18:23
A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "I say; have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "'Ave you ever 'ad a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been screwed den, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, ya will be when da tide comes in."
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 04 2011,06:36
Every Red Blooded American should jump in line to support the Green BayPackers! The Packers defeated the Chicago Bears last Sunday afternoon thus
earning them the opportunity to go to the Super Bowl. By doing so, they
saved the hard-working, red blooded, taxpaying Americans literally
several million dollars of tax money.
How you say? Simple... we were told that if the Chicago Bears had won that President Obama (and probably his family) would be attending the Super Bowl to cheer on his hometown team. Since the Bears lost...the President won't be attending. The money saved from not using Air Force 1, the limousines, all the additional security, and let's not forget Michelle Obama's entourage, is literally several million dollars!
Therefore every American should cheer on the Green Bay Packers at the
Super Bowl to show them our gratitude. With that said...let's circulate this
email to everyone we know so they can understand why they should cheer for America's team...the Green Bay Packers! GO PACK GO !!!!
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 10 2011,10:38
ARABSEveryone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?- No pork chops?- No hotdogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?- You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?- You wipe your ass with your hand?- You cook over burning camel shit?- Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? No shit Sherlock!.... ?....It's not like it could get much worse!
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 23 2011,20:14
The N. Dakota Department of government offices claimed a small Crosby farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. ND Govt employee : I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer : Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
ND Govt employee : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.
Farmer : That would be me.
Posted by Leisher on Feb. 24 2011,07:09
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $100 to $500 in price with the sheerest at the top of the price range. He opts for the most expensive item and takes it home. He gives it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife spots the sales tag and thinks, 'It's so sheer I may as well be wearing nothing and gets an idea. I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!'
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 25 2011,17:08
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 03 2011,17:41
As you know by now, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gaysto serve openly in the Military,
It's no more "Don't ask...don't tell."
But what has he really done is cause more confusion in the ranks.
This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine..............
You're in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running
toward your position........
The guy next to you is openly gay and when someone yells out..........
....... "Shoot the cocksucker!"
Now do you see the confusion?
Posted by unkbill on Aug. 18 2011,18:13
blondes have more fun… A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started galloping out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
Posted by TheCatt on Aug. 25 2011,15:19
WHY I'M DEPRESSEDOver five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , 'Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.' Nearly 40 years ago, Congress said, 'Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.' Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 03 2011,08:33
so there was an old retired marine, that hearing about the War in Iraq decided that he wanted to join the war just like the good old days. So he goes to his nearby marine officer, and asks him if he can join the war. The officer seeing the man in his 70's decides he is more of a liabilty than a help, and tells him no. so the old marine decides he is going to iraq anyway, but he doesn't have much money so he buys a rowboat and starts rowing there, continuously saying "semper fi do or die hu ra hu ra!!" so much that eventually he annoyed God, who called Adam and said "Adam this marine has been reapeating the same thing over and over for months! please what can i do to shut him up?!" Adam thought for a time and said, "i know!! you can remove his brain!! he wont be able to think, no more chanting!" so god removed the marines brain, but still, "semper fi do or die hu ra hu ra!!" so God called Adam again and said "He didn't stop!" "Oh i forgot!" exclaimed Adam, "they remove the brain of the marines in boot camp! i know!! remove his heart! he will no longer have the desire to go to war!!" so God removed the marines heart but still there was "semper fi do or die hu ra hu ra!!" God called Adam again, getting more annoyed "He still hasn't shut up!!" he said "i forgot about that! in order to work for the government they have to remove his heart!!" so Adam thought for a few weeks and came to god with a great idea. "i know exactly what we should do!" Exclaimed Adam, "we will remove his balls! every marine has balls!" so God did, and he listened and what did he hear? "off we go! into the wild blue yonder!!"
Posted by GORDON on Sep. 03 2011,08:37
I would have made it "Anchors Aweigh," personally.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 03 2011,18:36
Of course, you know what you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac don't you?Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
Posted by unkbill on Oct. 20 2011,19:21
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped the members of Congress and are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "About 5 gallons."
Posted by Leisher on Jan. 06 2012,11:04
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a blow-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
* Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."
* Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Posted by TheCatt on Jan. 10 2012,05:54
A state cop stop on an elderly lady the other day for speedingin KS. asked for her driver's license, registration, and insurance.
in with the cards was a conceal carry permit. he asked if she had a weapon in her possession. She responded that she had a .45 auto in her glove box. She then admited to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Silence, then She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.The cop asked what was she so afraid of. She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a Damned thing!"
Posted by Leisher on Jan. 25 2012,07:09
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied:'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks:'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...
Posted by unkbill on Jan. 27 2012,12:52
Fable of the PorcupineIt was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is:
Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 02 2012,17:58
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back.
Posted by Leisher on Feb. 07 2012,07:29
The $50 dollar lessonRecently, while I was shoveling snow my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and shovel my snow and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and shovel yoursnow and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me.
Posted by unkbill on Mar. 24 2012,11:59
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: BUDGET CUTSNext month our immigration department will start to deporting senior citizens(Instead of illegal immigrants)in order to lower social security and medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and less likely to remember how to get home.
THANK YOU. UNCLE SAM.
Posted by unkbill on May 14 2012,16:12
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Stella arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!It turns out that Wally had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her golfing friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner. Wally even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.
''But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that ..., Wally was too tired..'. Madi
Posted by Leisher on Sep. 06 2012,06:26
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."
Posted by Leisher on Sep. 20 2012,06:30
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
Posted by Leisher on Dec. 12 2012,06:02
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Posted by GORDON on Dec. 19 2012,13:27
(Leisher @ Dec. 12 2012,09:02)
QUOTE
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Like.
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 21 2013,07:29
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
Posted by unkbill on Feb. 21 2013,07:32
The next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I think I will just whisper"You can see Me?"
Posted by Leisher on Apr. 03 2013,06:46
I was telling a girl at Starbucks about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs."Really", she said and unbuttoned her blouse, "This I’ve got to see."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she said, "Well, what day was I born?"
I said, “Yesterday."
Posted by Leisher on Apr. 03 2013,06:59
Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read..........Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?
Posted by TheCatt on May 20 2013,09:54
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.
Posted by Alhazad on Jul. 05 2013,04:20
Would a bulimic cheerleader's mouth become a CheerI/O after breakfast?
Posted by GORDON on Jul. 05 2013,06:22
Alhazad out of fucking nowhere.
Posted by Alhazad on Jul. 05 2013,11:27
This is the best thread on the board.
Posted by Leisher on Dec. 19 2013,11:47
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Posted by Leisher on Mar. 03 2014,08:33
Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I play golf.
Posted by Paul on Aug. 17 2014,16:17
A guy walks into a bar with a small spider monkey. It is very hyper and jumps all over the bar and tables. The monkey eventually makes its way to the billiards table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender is mad, but the patron explains that he would pay for the cue ball and leave.Sometime later the man and monkey return. The monkey hops on the bar again and the bartender serves the man his drink. Then the monkey grabs a cherry and puts it in its ass, takes it out and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted and says, "What the hell was that, man?" The patron replies, "Ever since he ate the cue ball he measures things first."
Posted by Malcolm on Aug. 22 2014,15:55
Old joke. So old I heard it when I was in undergrad.
Posted by Malcolm on Aug. 22 2014,15:59
A pirate walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a drink. While drawing a pint, he notices the pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch.Barkeep: How'd you lose that leg?
Pirate: Blown off by a cannonball.
B: Ouch. That's rough. How'd you lose the hand?
P: Shark bit it off.
B: Holy shit. That's crazy. What about the eye?
P: Seagull shat in me eye.
B: ... It blinded you? Come on, you look tougher than that.
P: Was the first day with the hook.
Posted by unkbill on Sep. 09 2014,10:10
8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
Posted by TheCatt on Nov. 20 2014,14:51
Not really unkbill jokes, but < funny. >
Posted by GORDON on Nov. 20 2014,16:06
I told this one to a bunch of cub scouts near Halloween:Q: What's the scariest type of bee?
A: Boo-bees!
Posted by Leisher on Dec. 04 2014,08:31
Posted by Paul on Dec. 06 2014,09:24
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS?Well, one you have to shuck between fits...
Posted by Leisher on Mar. 11 2015,12:20
Posted by Leisher on Mar. 12 2015,10:35
Posted by Alhazad on Jul. 02 2015,13:26
It boggles my mind when I see reports of governments rounding up dissidents. That seems like one of the most foolhardy things they could choose to do.Look at it this way: say there were 93 dissidents in an area. When you round them up, you end up with, like, 100.
Posted by TheCatt on Jul. 05 2015,19:20
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
Posted by TheCatt on Aug. 30 2015,14:56
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?0