QUOTE

Many of you have probably been thinking about how you are tired of being a fat, soft, out of shape piece of shit, and now many of you finally have the motivation to join a gym and get healthy, and hey, it would be a great new year's resolution.

Don't bother, you will fail.

You will pay an application fee of $50 to sign up at a place this first week of January, and then immediately leave because you don't have time to work out right this second, you were just signing up. But you'll be back in a couple days. And you'll start googling "healthy diet to lose weight and gain muscle," and you will learn about 10% of what good nutrition is, think you're now an expert, and immediately start making compromises in your head while you convince yourself you are finally on a healthy track... "Well I can probably do everything else but I don't need to reduce carbs... hell, that includes pizza and bread and french fries, I don't need to give that stuff up because I am not one of those psycho vegans, lol."

And you will take your 50-pounds-overweight ass to the gym in your new Nike cross trainers, and have tons of motivation. "Wow, it's crowded," you will think. Lots of newbies had the same idea as you, it seems. You will see a stairmaster machine and sidle over to it trying to act all casual, like this isn't the first time in 30 years you even thought about serious exercise. But trust me, when you set the machine on 3 ("I don't need to start at 1, I'm not THAT out of shape lol") and start shifting your weight back and forth, stressing the pedals and making the metal groan, and you are hurting within 30 seconds and gasping and wheezing by 90 seconds, everyone is going to know, and be thinking, "Fucking tourist." Then you'll think "whew that's enough cardio I think I'll hit the weights."

So you immediately saunter over to the fixed nautilus machines, "I need to work my guns," you think. You'll put some small amount of weight on the seated curl and think, "Yeah, 50 pounds, no big deal, hehe. That's 5 entire plates. I'm such a stud." Then you'll pull really hard and feel your until-now-unstressed ligaments pulling painfully at your bone and think, "Oh shit, that is harder than I thought, this doesn't feel right...." and you'll drop it down to 20 pounds, do 10 reps fast and sloppy, then move on, embarrassed and pretending that the people around you didn't notice the fat piece of shit pretending to know what he is doing.

This will be repeated 4 or 5 times around the gym, in all you will spend about 30 minutes there, total. Then you'll decide that the 90 seconds of cardio on the stairmaster really kicked your ass for the day, and you'll come back in 2 days refreshed and really hit the weights again, except this time skip the stairmaster because that really takes it out of you and kills your workout. "Honest mistake, I am new!"

Then that night you will go home and really be feeling it in your muscles that isn't actually muscle fatigue, but overstressed and abused ligaments, and instead of cooking will order a pizza, except medium instead of large, this time, because you're in training, and slam a liter and a half of coke with it because you "really need to rehydrate." In 2 days you will return to the gym 4 ounces heavier than when you started, still sore, will do less work than on the first day, and start to realize how far you have to go to reach your unrealistic, half-ass goals.

After two weeks you will see no progress, and you will start to realize that if you want to make a real difference in your fitness status you need to make some serious decisions about your diet... but food is the only thing that gives you comfort... and you will be unwilling to do that.

After 4 weeks you have done just enough work on the "beauty muscles" to now start doing some damage to the core muscles that you aren't even thinking about, you will convince yourself that weight training and cardio is just bad for you, and you will quit but continue paying those gym dues for the next 24 months because it costs $300 to break your contract early. At this point you may actually tear a ligament or pull a muscle in your back.

3 months after that you will decide to give it another try, and you will go back and weigh in and see you weight 8 pounds heavier than you did last time, because you were depression-eating because you failed the first time.

1 person in 50, after years of neglecting their health and fitness, have the willpower to make any real changes in their lives. THIS IS NOT YOU. Don't bother. Stay home. Stay out of the way of the people who have been going to the gym for years, being healthy, eating right, sacrificing the pizzas and fries and doing the work, because trust me, you ARE in their way, and they DO notice it, and they know you aren't going to be there in a month anyway.

Save your money. Save your time. Stay home in your safe cocoon where nothing is hard and nothing hurts. You'll be happier.